sotto voce

Sleepy but sleepless, because:

1. worried I might have accidentally poisoned him with the wild mushroom I picked with L last week. The mushroom have passed L’s parents’ inspection (who’re mushroom experts by virtue of being Russian), still I doubt their edibility. Am determined to not sleep so I can check his breathing every hour from now until tomorrow morning.

2. trying to find a cheap touring bike. Walking back and forth from the apartment to downtown/campus is just so not feasible once school starts.

3. can’t stop thinking about his family. His dad just got l-off and his mom isn’t terribly happy about the fact that her husband just got l-off and seems to accuse him of being an incompetent twat. It’s worrisome. Not only we’re worried about the monetary aspect of the situation, we’re not used to seeing them being so emotionally distant from each other.

4. am filled with morbid thoughts, in a funny, calming way. We just came back from his uncle’s funeral, who’d been suffering from cancer for a couple of years. For him, it’s probably a respite. But for his loved ones, it’s a tragedy. I suppose dying is just never easy for the ones left behind.  I know eventually I will suffer the same fate—having to watch people close to me leave this world, one by one. But, that’s life.

It’s weird. I still remember the time in college when I didn’t fear death because there wasn’t anything particularly good going on in my life. Nothing to lose, nothing to fear. But, even now, when everything is going so well and I have so many wonderful things I’d hate to leave behind, I still don’t fear death. Although, it’s probably because—as I say—dying is easy, being left behind isn’t.