sotto voce

there’s a small chance I won’t be going to school this semester / this year. Looks like I misinterpreted certain info and let’s just say I might have to shell out 60K for this f-in degree. I already have a very generous sponsor (read: my husband) who’s willing to invest his trust fund on me—assuming I’ll be able to make better annual rate of return than what he’s currently getting in the money market…

But yeah. No. It just feels wrong. I feel like I don’t deserve this. That these two years will turn out to be a mistake, a bad investment. And I don’t want to screw us over that way.

I know that the usefulness and profitability of this degree ultimately depend on how well I market it, use it, sell it, etc. Still, I’m just not the most optimistic person on earth right now. I keep telling myself: I didn’t even get a nice, well-paying job after graduating from college. Do I seriously expect the scenario to be different after I graduate from this master’s program?

If only my current self is able to read the first sentence of the previous paragraph and sincerely believes it. Urgh.

We’ll see…

Totally unrelated: I ruined my housemate’s doggie bowl (for his dog) by using it as a container to burn cards and letters from my exes. So drama. For no reason. 

Argggg. I don’t like this self-doubting person I’ve become…

Sleepy but sleepless, because:

1. worried I might have accidentally poisoned him with the wild mushroom I picked with L last week. The mushroom have passed L’s parents’ inspection (who’re mushroom experts by virtue of being Russian), still I doubt their edibility. Am determined to not sleep so I can check his breathing every hour from now until tomorrow morning.

2. trying to find a cheap touring bike. Walking back and forth from the apartment to downtown/campus is just so not feasible once school starts.

3. can’t stop thinking about his family. His dad just got l-off and his mom isn’t terribly happy about the fact that her husband just got l-off and seems to accuse him of being an incompetent twat. It’s worrisome. Not only we’re worried about the monetary aspect of the situation, we’re not used to seeing them being so emotionally distant from each other.

4. am filled with morbid thoughts, in a funny, calming way. We just came back from his uncle’s funeral, who’d been suffering from cancer for a couple of years. For him, it’s probably a respite. But for his loved ones, it’s a tragedy. I suppose dying is just never easy for the ones left behind.  I know eventually I will suffer the same fate—having to watch people close to me leave this world, one by one. But, that’s life.

It’s weird. I still remember the time in college when I didn’t fear death because there wasn’t anything particularly good going on in my life. Nothing to lose, nothing to fear. But, even now, when everything is going so well and I have so many wonderful things I’d hate to leave behind, I still don’t fear death. Although, it’s probably because—as I say—dying is easy, being left behind isn’t.