sotto voce

I’m not worrying. I figure I’ll make the choice when it’s finally time to decide. But my mind warned me that this was the same mistake I made the last time: keeping all the doors open instead of focusing on one.

This time I’m going to make a compromise. I’m keeping only three doors opened:

1. academia. (pro: 3 months holiday per year, cons: stuck teaching bratty undergrads and doing research)

2. physician  (pro: feeling useful every single day, cons: feeling defeated and useless every single day)

3. international healthcare consulting/project manager (pro: traveling opportunity, cons: too much traveling, how am i supposed to settle down)

The manic side of me thinks I should make the three a unity in form of career progression: 3 while I still have the energy/curiosity/drive, then 2 as I part-time it with building a family, and 1 as I retire. Sounds like a good plan??

Not really. My MIL calculated how old I’d be by the time I finish med sch: 40.

Fuck, I do not want to fight with my kids over dirty laundry and unmade bed when I’m fifty-something. But then again, she did it, so why can’t I.

And the normalcy! It makes me slightly nauseous. Am I not supposed to be a creative genius who comes up with groundbreaking **(BLANK)** . yeah Einstein, don’t call yourself a genius until you fill in the blank. But you know that I tried, and I tried, and I tried,... and I’m still trying.