sotto voce

"Ngga tau diri… Gue tuh ngga tau diri banget sih!"

I tried explaining to Andrew what "ngga tau diri" means. Insolent? Audacious? Unashamed? I can’t find the right word for it. It’s a phrase that describes someone who doesn’t know his/her place. He sneered at my definition. "Who on earth defines your place in society?"

I’ll tell you who defines your place in society. Money. Moola. Dinero.

We know that you should never spend above your means. So according to that wise adage, poor people like me should not apply to school they can’t afford. I had two full minutes of euphoria before the question of "How am I gonna pay for this shiiiiit????" starts hanging over my head. I’m too late to apply for any kinds of scholarships. I can’t apply for fin-aid because my PR-ship is still in process. I’m fucking screwed. And for the past two days, I feel like an insolent bastard – as we are figuring out how to pay for school. This would be the first time in twelve years that I’ve ever had to pay for school. Living with someone who’s been privileged enough to have his college & trust fund all set up by the time he was fifteen often makes me forget that our circumstances are worlds apart. If not for his encouragement, I would’ve never applied to this school – knowing well I can’t afford it. I’m toying with the idea of rejecting the offer (haha. after all these brouhaha. what irony) because I loathe to have to take a loan (especially in this kind of credit market). 

Why did I even apply to this school? Ngga tau diri banget! What audacity! (Not to be corny: but maybe, ... audacity of hope??).

We think this is a valuable investment. We’ve confirmed that a B.A. from a so-so university is worth shit. Finally I’ve gotten one foot in the door – a door that will open so many other doors for me. 

Meanwhile the memory of the past haunts me. My adolescent self staring at the floor, trying to block out the conversation my mother is having with these relatives – asking them to loan us money to pay for my sister’s medical school. The shame. the shame the shame. No offense to my sister, who’s an excellent doctor and I’m glad she’s thick-skinned enough to go through that and did her medical school. 

While I’m gonna shut the fuck up, stop complaining about my impoverished past (boohoo. get over it already) and get my shit together.