sotto voce

The good news didn’t come as a joyful surprise, more like an unintrusive period at the end of a sentence. I should be happy because my hardwork (what hardwork?) paid off. Despite my lack of experience, I was deemed competent to enter the program. But I’m not "happy". I was sad and upset and angry before this, because I felt like I’ve been denied something that is rightfully mine. Of course that’s such an arrogant statement. What gives me the right to be IN the program? It’s not like I’m special. But I can’t deny that that’s how I feel, that I feel indifferent (instead of ecstatic).

I look at my future classmates – some of whom are going straight from college – and marvel at their abilities to know that this is what they want to do in life. Such conviction coming from people who aren’t even old enough to order drinks. I suppose this is why experience matters. So that you’re able to say "been there, seen & smell the shit, done that—this is what I want". That’s what summer internships are for.

I’m jealous at these people who’re unwavering about what they want to do in life. Who knew from the beginning how to plan their college careers, which internships to score, which classes to take. Meanwhile, I meandered (almost in a circle) about my way only to saunter into this field hoping that this is the one that’ll be able to keep my interest. 

Don’t you want this degree then?

Hell yes, I want it. Because as I see it right now, this is the best route for me to take , just to be able to enter the fucking field. Every other entry-level job in this field requires experience. The ones that don’t are administrative. How many years do I have to waste filing records before I can move up? I did wish I had done internships in public health in college,  but hang on a second …. there IS a reason why the only internships I applied to are either research or investment banks, because they’re the ones that fucking PAY! The non-profits, ... you can just forget about it. They offer college credits. Yeah,.. college credits my ass – like I need more extra college credits (I graduated with seven extra credits = seven classes extra). the ones that pay, offer stipend that I promise you , won’t cover five square foot in the city. Dru always talks about his high-performing cousin who went to Uganda or Tanzania after college to work in a health clinic for a year before going to med school. Ahem..ahem… yes, and I wish I had the money to go to India for a medical mission when someone offered me to go in sophomore year. What’s that? WHO internship. Yes of course I’d like to go, except that – how am I gonna pay for the travel cost and the cost of living in geneva. There’s a reason why I only went back to Indonesia once in my entire college career.

I keep asking myself if I’m making all these excuses up. If I’m the fucking lazy one who’s unable to pick and choose what’s good for herself, and always end up in this kind of dead-end situation. Yes, I realize I did make a mistake in my first two years in college.

Instead of spending my hard-earned money on worthwhile summer internship, I spent it on shuttling back and forth between Middletown and Toronto, vacationing in Vancouver and Vegas, just to please the stupid fucking ex who has kindly left a huge emotional scar on me. 

Instead of planning ahead, I told myself: "It’s liberal arts college. Explore! Explore! Explore!". 

argh. this is tiring. no point mourning what’s past anyway.