sotto voce

I’ve another week before the end of this purgatory. Until then, I believe I’m going to disappoint everyone around me.

It’s difficult to live when you’re surrounded by this fog of uncertainty. I’m moody, I’m easily pissed off, I’m on edge every minute of the day (to the point that I’m having stiff neck almost every other day). I don’t really want to talk to people/ socialize because I feel like a fucking loser. psth…

Anyway: two unrelated things.

1. Favorite track of the week: Laura Marling "Ghosts". Great voice, great lyrics, interesting chord progression in the middle. And, she’s only nineteen!!

2. Read an article in NYTimes yesterday on FDA lowering age limit for Plan B. Starting now, anyone above the age of 17 can get Plan B (without parents’ approval or prescription (which necessitates doctor’s visit)). What I find interesting from the article is that, until now there’s no data supporting the claim that morning-after pill reduces the number of unplanned pregnancies or the number of abortion. 

 Disclaimer: I haven’t done any fact-checking and am actually using this blog to look for research ideas. Feedbacks are welcome. I do intent to do a more thorough analysis of the data available to back up my claims. And if there’s no data available, even better. That means I (potentially) will have a thesis dissertation.

I have a couple guesses as to why the morning-after pill is seemingly ineffective as a public health measure. Number one: It’s pretty expensive without insurance (I think it’s about 50 bucks in the pharmacy. It’s probably cheaper through Planned Parenthood / school’s dispensary). Currently there are only 25 states that require insurance plans that cover birth control, including emergency contraception (EC). Out of these 25 states, several states exclude EC from the requirement. Also, note that it says insurance plans, not providers. That means, the insurance company might have insurance plans that cover birth controls, but these plans are more expensive than the basic ones. That means, if you have a basic insurance policy or if your insurance is employment-based, there’s a chance that your insurance plan only covers the most basic of birth control or none at all. Furthermore, I won’t be surprised if the same segment of the population who can’t afford health insurance is the same segment that contributes the most to the unplanned pregnancies numbers.

Number two: lack of understanding about emergency contraception.
With the federally-funded, abstinence-only sex education, you can bet your bottom dollar there’s no mention of EC (fun-fact: US$3.6 billion allocated for this f* program. Guess how many condoms that much money can buy…). But, even in sex-ed classes that teaches contraception, EC is often not mentioned, because there’s a widespread misconception that equates EC to RU-486 (which is the so-called ‘abortion pill’). And if someone happens to wander here while looking for the answer: NO, Plan-B is not considered an abortifacient because it acts before the implantation.

Anyway, if we’re really intent on cutting the number of unplanned pregnancies in this country, here’s an idea: make birth-control more easily accessible to women—- by making some of them over-the-counter and by making them cheaper! But that’s for another entry.

Till then, remember that abstinence-only education does not work. 

Just had a root canal on one of my molars and half of my face is numb. it feels like i have a secret pouch on my left cheek where i store grains and what-nots.

I love my dentist. He’s so metrosexual and funny. While we’re waiting for the novocaine to work, he showed me the pair of shoes he just ordered online and showed me another pair (ladies’ style) that he thought he should buy for his wife. I would’ve thought he’s gay if not for the second part of my previous sentence. As he began to drill on my tooth, he asked if I was alright. I wanted to give a thumbs-up, but my thumb got caught under the bib, and it looked like I had a mini-erection. My dentist said, "Well, at least I know you’re a girl—if not I would’ve thought you’re thinking naughty thoughts". I wanted to laugh so badly but it’s hard to when half of your face is completely numb and your mouth was stretched open with a pair of metal extender.

Another reason why I love him is because he doesn’t make me feel like a sinner. You know how your dentist/hygienist always makes you feel bad for not brushing religiously/ not flossing / eating too much sweets. Well, my current dentist told me that my pathetic teeth are "okay" and that I’m allowed that one rotten molar. 

It’s seriously been a really long time since I visited a dentist (7-8 years ago). Gosh, it’s fucking expensive – even with insurance. I’m spending 1000 bucks for the root canal+filling+crown. And there goes my spending limit for the whole fucking year. So I’ve got to wait 6 months before dealing with all my wisdom teeth that are so freaking wise they all decided to grow sideways.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have more painkillers to take… 

All’s well – albeit being on the slow side.

I quit my job last week. It was liberating and stressful at the same time. It’s awesome to not have the commute anymore and to be able to set my own schedule (very important if you’re slightly ADD like me), but the change of pace feels very very weird. Granted that I never worked the full 8 hours at work anyway, it’s weird to be able to do your work in bed and blast the room with my fave work music.

Last week I also found out my grad sch status. I got rejected from the em-bee-ay program (expected), which made me feel depressed for two full days. We were expecting that result because 1)I don’t have enough work experience and 2) I applied for financial aid. In light of the recession and crashing endowment, the school has decided to prioritize full-paying students. Also, they’re not particularly interested in a B.A. with one year of irrelevant work experience. For noobs like me, they have a special program that accepts application from college seniors. So pretty much I’m in that purgatory zone where I’m too old for the special program and too young for the normal program. Oh well… Disappointed but also glad I don’t have to figure out how to find $140K to pay for school.

Two days after the rejection letter, I decided to call the admissions office for the public health program I applied to. I was told that there’s no decision on my file – which was very strange. After a couple of nerve-wrecking hours, the director of admissions called and told me I’m waitlisted. I nearly cried. She told me that I’m a very strong candidate with good scores, good academic records, excellent recommendation, and she’s convinced I’ll do well in the program, BUT… she can’t justify straight acceptance because I lack the experience in the field. That’s why she’s putting off making a decision on my file, because it’s "very tricky".

Very tricky my ass. WTF! I read all these grad sch forums and see people with much lower scores than mine and less than 1 yr experience getting into all the top programs (my program included). WTFH?

Anyway, i don’t have the energy to be angry anymore. I’m just disappointed because I expect these smart people to know that even though i don’t have a direct experience in the field, my work ethics and my recommendations speak volumes to my ability to do well in any fucking fields. I’ve chosen to switch to this field because I want to make a difference and I’ve extensively spoken about my motivation in my essays. But, fuck my heartfelt 1000-words essay. Experience is the currency in this game of admissions and I have none.

Of course, the fact that I only applied to one school doesn’t help either. Ngeh… whatever… Right now I’m just keeping my fingers crossed and hope for the best.

But yeah, last week was extremely trying. Scratch that… the past eight months after graduation have been very very trying. And I’m speaking not just for myself, but for my fellow ‘08. After being sheltered in the ivory tower for four years, we’re set free in the real world only to discover the crushing truth that our $160K B.A. worth shit. I know I haven’t been the model student, but I did respectably. In fact, very well in some aspects. Yet, I’m reduced to a brainless monkey who does shitwork.

We watched Adventureland last night and empathized fully with the main character who couldn’t get a decent job out of college and had to work a menial, mindless one in an amusement park. There was one scene when he was on the phone telling his prospective employer that he had "never driven an ashphalt mixer per se. But did once drive my friend’s van to Wisconsin on a pretty lengthy road trip." The person on the other line hung up on him. I’m not sure which parts of the sentence offended the prospective employer more: "per se" or "road trip". When James (the main character) bemoaned : "What am I supposed to do. I’m not even qualified to do manual labor," I want to get up from my chair and scream: "I feel you, man!!"

I don’t think that my life right now is as good as it gets. I think there’s still a lot ahead of me and as much as I’d like to give up and be happy with mediocrity (manage expectation thus prevent future disappointment), I’m just not wired that way. So yeah, I’m still climbing to the top but I do expect to fall plenty of times.