sotto voce

I didn’t go to work today thinking there will be a snowstorm and there’s no way I want to be stranded at work on a Friday afternoon. So I told my boss, I’m gonna go to the doctor and to get my contacts prescription and to do all the other things I want to do this week but couldn’t because he dropped a shitload of last-minute work on my lap.

It’s 11am and where’s the snow? Nowhere to be seen.
Thanks weather forecast. You’ve officially made me feel guilty.

If money and space weren’t a concern, I’d shoot in film and develop the pictures myself. Even if it means most of my shirts will get chemical stains on it and my fingernails would smell of ammonia hours after I got out of the darkroom.

There’s something about those silver crystals that just can’t be reproduced digitally. Maybe I’m just a romantic. 

The news of our marriage is shocking—there’s now way to deny that. We’ve known each other for less than a year, lived together for less than six months. Meanwhile, some couples wait three, six, seven, ten years and end up not tying the knot.

I imagine a lot of my friends saying: How can you guys be so daring, so brazen, so carefree? Don’t you know the implication of your action this time?? This is not a game you’re playing. It has consequences!! 

Some of them expressed all their disbelief (and awe) in one word expletive. Some were convinced I was pulling a hood over everyone’s head. Some screamed. One sarcastically (or maybe not) commented: Haha… now you don’t have to worry about visa.

Of course, coincidentally this someone also happens to be the one who used his commitment-phobia excuse to screw me and then dump me.

Does he think I’m doing this just for the convenience of a green card? Does he think I’m merely using Andrew? Whatever. I don’t give much hoot about that toot anymore anyway. But, I’m pretty sure he’s not the only who’s thinking along that line. He just happens to be pretty insensitive and doesn’t see anything wrong with that comment. 

I don’t feel like I/we have to defend ourselves for what we did. We didn’t do anything wrong. We love each other, we’ve been living together long enough and been through some pretty ridiculous shit to know that we are each other’s partner in life.
(Funny how the word "life partner" suddenly becomes a perfect description)
We’re both in this relationship for the long haul. No, I can’t imagine having a better husband. Yes, we got married earlier than when we thought we would. No, we don’t regret it. Yes, the paper turns out to be amazingly useful in solving my insurance and immigration problem. 
But, duh, of course being married has its advantages (legal and otherwise). If not, what’s the incentive for two people who’re perfectly rational and are committed to each other to allow the state to enter their private relationship? Legal protection when things go wrong? Well, see, I don’t have that much money/asset to protect and am not interested in his either.

—-

Occasionally doubt does creep in and doubt creates fear that we might have been too rash. 
Then I remember that twilight moment every morning when I wake up, when he would look at me with his sleepy eyes and say, "hey you". And at that moment, I’m just glad I marry someone I love.

I wonder if other people are as quick to jealousy as I am. When I told my colleagues about where I’m planning to apply and what I plan to do in life, I wonder if they look around them and wish they had done things differently.

Maybe not. Maybe some folks are just happy where they are with whatever they have.  

I’m getting more and more depressed by the fact that I still haven’t written anything meaningful for my personal statement. Why is it so hard???
Well, let me tell you why it’s hard.

Because I lack direction. Because my resume is all over the place and I don’t know how to convince the admission committee that this will be the last time I switch gears because I’ve finally found my calling.
You know what… I probably can’t promise them that. I don’t know if in five – ten years I realize I don’t want to be an international humanitarian worker and want to work in a farm instead. How am I supposed to know?

All I know is that, I know I want this now. I know I want to stop feeling as if I’m only freeriding in this world and not doing anything. Wislawa Szymborska’s word kept coming back to me: "I’m working on the world, // revised, improved edition,"
But I’m not working on the world.
All I do is sit quietly behind my desk and process sonar data until our clients are satisfied with the reports I churned out as long as it’s precise to the nearest feet.
No, I will not continue doing this work when I know I could be doing much more good out there, saving lives, helping people, for goodness sake – doing something.

I’m ready. I have what it takes to be a leader. I want the knowledge. I want the power and the respect and the responsibility and the opportunity to prove that I can do something good.

Now, how do I put all these in a coherent essay?

I’ve been meaning to write for a while. But my perfectionist side has reigned supreme these couple of months. None of the drafts ever made it to the publishing stage.

In 500 words or less: Life’s been a whirlwind of work, travel, grad school application, and physical therapy. My hip is hurting less and less by the day (good news) and that means no more excuse for this pathetic sedentary lifestyle (another good news).

Also, ... we’re setting a date for the big day. Being young, liberal and practical, we see marriage as a multi-part process. We’ve gone to the courthouse and completed all the paperwork (which means that we’re legally m-) but saving the real wedding for next year when the weather is warmer.  
I never expected to marry this early, of course, but there are a lot of practical reasons for us to do this now. To put it in his words (when his mom demanded an explanation): it bought us a peace of mind. And I can tell you that nothing has changed between the time we signed the papers and now, so I don’t really see a big fuss over it. Besides, we don’t see marriage as the point where we commence babies production. In fact, factory will not start any kinds of production until our net income reaches $300K p.a.
Have I mentioned that we’re both practical people?

It’s actually the wedding planning that gives me occasional panic attack. Where, who, when, how.. etc etc. 
As usual I’m procrastinating. All I can tell you is that it’ll be small, outdoor, and expect good food. I’d love to cater for my own wedding but I know it’s impossible. I guess I can pass some of my original recipes to the catering chef. That’s an idea.

However, all the planning is sitting in the backburner until I actually submit all my grad school applications.  I don’t expect you to know which field I’m doing a master in, because – once again – it’s nowhere near my field of expertise in college. Keep the shaking heads and wagging fingers because there are a long line of folks who wish to do the same. Heh.

I’ve been thinking a lot about starting a new blog and it seems appropriate to close this blog. I’m embarking on a new chapter of my life, which is markedly different from the previous one. Not to worry, I’m not gonna start a knitting/cooking/husband-training blog. There’ll probably posts along those lines in the new blog, but I’ll try to write more on social justice issues. Andrew has expressed his interest in co-authoring the blog. We’ll see. 

Until then,

Yours.