sotto voce

today i learnt about this annual conference called TED.

TED stands for Technology, Entertainment, Design. It started out (in 1984) as a conference bringing together people from those three worlds. Since then its scope has become ever broader. (From: http://www.ted.com)

Since they believe in sharing ideas, all the videos from all the talks are available online, and let me tell you… these speakers are brilliant, engaging, and in some cases, truly inspiring.
I’d love to apply to attend the conference, but unfortunately it’s by invitation only and you have to pay somewhere around 6K per year. Sorry man… don’t have that kind of moolah, and anyway I’m pretty satisfied with watching the talks online.

I just watched one by Harvard psychologist, Dan Gilbert, on synthetic happiness vs. natural happiness. Apparently our society has trained us to think that synthetic happiness is less gratifying than the real deal. Well, get this: it’s not true! And what’s even more interesting is (sth which I have already learnt from Barry Schwartz’s "Paradox of Choice") that sometimes being in an irreversible situation – versus having the freedom to choose what kind of situations you’d like to be in – allows you to be more accepting of the unpleasant situation and creates a favorable condition for YOU to synthesize your own happiness, that are no less real than real happiness itself.

It does sound cliche isn’t it? I mean, I can’t count how many times people have told me: "Sel, you have to create your own happiness" over the past few months.
And yes, I believed it, but I couldn’t understand something: why would we prefer to be unhappy when we know for sure that we can actually create our own happiness?
Answer: Yup, because we think that only real happiness – which comes from getting things we want – will make us truly happy and everything else is make-believe.
Well, glad to know that there’s tonnes of statistics to disprove this false belief, and it all does make sense.

And why on earth did I encounter this happiness talk?

To be honest, I was somewhat unhappy today. I realized that even though right now I am able to control my emotions and am able to motivate myself to move on and be happy for my own good, I am still susceptible to nostalgia and all the miserable ‘what-ifs’ bullshit. Also, as much as talking to friends can be good for your soul, I’m getting really tired of the whole bill thing. I was updating CBL about the general improvement in my life, which obviously involved stories about him, and I just felt so ‘blah’ after that I had to cry while listening to Fiona Apple (and to think that I ticked "I’m not an overtly emotional person" in a psych survey today).

So I guess I just don’t want to be reminded about him at all. I’ve locked him in my past and I want him to remain there forever and ever amen. Maybe, until I finally have forgotten about the whole thing or until he no longer evokes any sort of feelings in me.
The good thing about this whole ‘blah’ realization is that I know I am still not ready to know anything about him, let alone be in touch with him.
And squash practice pretty much sucked today. My left foot is giving me sharp pain everytime I run and sleep deprivation just impairs my reflex, judgment and mood in general. So not looking forward to the tournaments this weekend.

Accept things I cannot change. Courage to change things I can. And Wisdom to know the difference. 

one great thing about squash is that it’s such a mental game. i’d be the first one to admit that i often lose because i already lose in my head before i even start. coach always tells us that even when you’re down seven – love, you have to play as if you’re up seven – love. it’s tough, but i’m slowly learning…

as much as i hate wy’s "it’s all in the mind", it can often save your life.
just now i was about to break down, throw all these freakin books into the trash and cry. but it’s like that second tenth mile of marathon. pure hell. every muscle is screaming, "STOP YOU FUCKING IDIOT. THERE’S NO POINT," and yet you just keep running and yeah, it is all in the mind. if you convince yourself hard enough that you can survive that mile, you WILL survive that mile.
so now i’m convincing myself that i can do this, i can fucking do this.

 *super-pumped*

oh, and a really inspiring and good read from this site:

How quickly can we change the way we think? Even though its not very healthy, our minds are capable of dealing with high amounts of stress and adversity. However, there are no shortages in stories about the unstoppable power of the human will through self-motivation.

If you have made a decision to take control of your life, then you must understand that your mind and in turn, your will, can shift and alter itself at YOUR DESIRE.

Want to know how a simple mindhack can improve your self-motivation?

Changing the way you think may sound awfully heavy, but to illustrate my point here’s a funny story collected by spiritualist and author, Anthony de Mello:

—

A man went to see a psychiatrist and said that every night he was visited by a twelve-foot dragon with three heads. He was a nervous wreck, could not sleep at all and was on the verge of total collapse. He had even though of suicide.

“I think I can help you,” said the psychiatrist, “but I must warn you that it will take a year or two and will cost three thousand dollars.”

“Three thousand dollars!” the man exclaimed. “Forget it! I’ll just go home and make friends with it!”

- From the Prayer of the Frog

—

The story illustrates one thing:

YOU ARE IN CONTROL OF YOUR MIND

Your thoughts change according to Situation, Consideration, and your Determination.

Situation
Your decisions and opinions can be affected by your upbringing, culture, education, the people around you, and even the place and the moment that you are at. For example:

I’m strongly against animal cruelty because I grew up with animal activists.

I prefer the Newcastle football team over Liverpool because I grew up in Newcastle.

Everyone is ranting that the iPhone is awesome! I want one too!

Consideration
Previous negative experiences can affect the way that you approach a similar situation. Once bitten, twice shy. This may be thoughts like:

I hate buying things at this store, they’ve short-changed me before.

Don’t trust him, he’s been known to lie compulsively.

I’m too fat, I’ve failed a fitness test before, I’ll fail it again.

Determination
This is raw will and focus – this is where manifestation and Attraction happen:

I will earn my first 1 million dollars by the time I’m 30.

I will be a tournament tennis player in 5 years.

I will have a fun job with a great working environment.

—

Situation and Consideration are automatic behaviors and would be the most immediate and simple for the mind to recall.

The Law of Attraction states that many of our automatic mental behaviors sometimes attract MORE negative situations.

Determination, however, in many cases is NOT an automatic behavior, but it many success stories, we realize that positive determination and focus attracts positivity.

So what are you going to choose?

Still think its tough?

Think of Situation, Consideration, and Determination as three friends on a sofa, trying to give you opinions on a decision that you have to make.

Situation and Consideration, the friends you are most familiar with tend to speak louder than the more reserved Determination.

In some minds, Situation and Consideration are jumping on the sofa screaming fears and judgments at you. But in most minds, Determination usually has the most straightforward and simple answer – but is overshadowed by the nonsense that Situation and Consideration babble.

Allow Determination

In your mind, consciously allow Determination to speak up, compromise with Situation and Consideration and listen to their opinions, but ultimately allow Determination to take the lead on your decisions.

I assure you, slowly, your Determination will be the loudest ringing voice in your head and Law of Attraction will ring true to you. It just takes practice. Try mentally reciting this in your mind:

“I allow my Determination to take lead of my decisions.”

So next time you clear your mind, invite your three friends for a conversation. Make friends with your fears, and allow Determination to take the lead.

Never underestimate how much the smallest of yelps that Determination has for you. All your three friends have their best interests for you, but Determination will be the one that will ultimately make your dreams come true.

i am not exaggerating. this week is so much worse than anything i’ve ever encountered in my life, worse than comps week, worse than that final week in fall06, worse than the night before Bio ‘S’ paper, ...worst week of my life.

i swear i’m gonna down five pints of hefeweizen at the end of this week, and maybe get laid (if i’m not too tired that is).

ROAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRR 

i’m so exhausted that even if a half-naked, ready-to-’go’ brad pitt were to appear in front of me right now, i’d decline that one-in-a-lifetime offer and tell him: sorry brad, i’m tired.

i’ve a neat row of empty kratingdaeng cans in front of me right now. someone wants to bet when i’ll finally have a heart attack?

anyway, speaking of hot men, i saw the prez at the gym today. that’s just so odd, nina and i couldn’t stop staring at the sweaty mr.roth
well, at least it’s not bennett. i would’ve died laughing if i ever saw douggie-B at the gym.
and i guess it’s a good thing that he went to the gym this afternoon, when it’s at its full capacity that the whole team practically couldn’t get onto any of the elliptical machines. yes, mr. prez, it is indeed time to have a second gym with more equipments…

my school’s dining establishment, or the company that runs ‘em, are environmentally friendly and socially responsible. all our salad dressings are made from scratch, the chickens are antibiotic-free, the seafood is non endangered, and vegetables are locally-grown.

but they treat their employers like shit. we keep on hearing about this and that person being fired, no medical benefits, etc. etc. etc.

and i overheard something about how the whole employment-restructuring business is just the management practice to cut cost.

so let me get this right,... are you saying that we’re trading the welfare of our fellow human beings for a more ecologically-sound meal?
sounds like bullcrap to me.

Quoted from Dian H. Murray’s "Cheng I Sao in fact and fiction":

"So far as I am aware, no Chinese scholar or historian has attempted to liken Cheng I Sao or any other female pirate to the mythical woman warrior described in the poem at the beginning of this chapter."

Oh hey… I just happen to be writing my senior essay on that very topic… 

i guess having been raised in a medical family, i tend to take healthcare for granted. until i got to the states that is, when medical bills are ridiculously exorbitant and i’m just lucky i have school insurance.
i still remember fighting half a tutorial kids for universal healthcare, just because it’s just not right to have people turned away from hospitals because they don’t have insurance (think of silas in weeds), or to have basic stuff costing gazillions of dollars, resulting in huge debt or worse still, people avoiding hospital because they’re afraid of the cost.
it’s just unacceptable. and to think that this happens in a first world country. don’t america have any shame?

and now this 

come on now…. profiting from the poor and the sick, claiming that the hospitals need cash, that’s why they resort to this… COME ON!
i’m just disgusted and am praying hard that my wisdom tooth won’t get inflamed anytime soon because my insurance doesn’t cover dental and i surely don’t have that much money.
(and yeah, that’s one of the reasons why i prefer to go corporate: for the insurance, baby)

yes, you can still mourn even as you’re moving on.
he’s not on my mind 24/7 anymore, but there’s always little bits and pieces that remind me of him and yes, it still hurts to think of him.

after many months of avoiding that place, i finally went to brew baker’s with h two days ago. i ordered my usual salmon omelette on a croissant, but didn’t sit on our usual table. as the memory of that sunday morning rushed back, i tried to remember it with happiness, not sadness. wasn’t that bad. i guess i could finally go to that place regularly once again (oh except for my thinning wallet). 

*** 

someone asked me today if i miss him or i just miss being with someone.
and whether i would be able to tell the difference.

well i know i miss him and not just miss being in a relationship coz when i broke up with wy, i definitely miss his company, not him. as soon as i’m hanging out with my friends or with other guys, poof i immediately forget the fact that i just broke up with a person i shared my life for 2.5 years with.

not this time. even when f offered to accompany me throughout the night when i was lonely, just to be there, even when i have someone else to cuddle with, i still miss him.

it’s really unfair. how easy it is for him, for m, for everyone else to move on, because physically and mentally they’re no longer connected to this past i’m still living in.
so why am i living in the past?
oh yeah… right… i still haven’t graduated. i still haven’t thought about the monotony of work, still haven’t thought about paying bills, etc.

sigh… now i’m into the whole ‘undermining the past’ mode. basically i made myself believe that i was just foolish to be so susceptible to lies and deception. ok, maybe not lies and deception. but you know, i believed so much in this relationship when i should’ve been able to notice that it was a fluke. yes, he liked me, but that’s where things end. he’s never seen us beyond graduation day, and i was too stubborn to admit that.

it hurts to swallow this narrative, and maybe it’s the truth, maybe it isn’t. but since i’ll never know the truth, i might as well just take this bitter pill if this will make me better eventually.
no point in holding on remember? so might as well slough off whatever sweet memories and lies i had in my mind.

***

6 more songs to go, and i’m ready to publish my very first LP. (hahaha) 
but seriously, i already have the album cover and the title. sweet or what?

ODEO

the thing about keeping the whole break-up hush hush is that, no one is aware about it and will occasionally make comments that would be perfectly harmless IF you were still together or in status quo, but are so not acceptable when you fucking don’t want to have anything to do with the other person.

i do not need to know how he’s been, what kind of party he’s been attending, who he’s been hanging out with, his last meal, his travel plans…
i don’t want to know so don’t tell me all these things, thank you very much.
i’m tired of bill this, bill that… bill did this, bill was on campus last weekend, bill was doing this, bill bill bill bill…
enough already.

to be told that he was here last weekend and i was completely ignorant of it …
very nice.
and it just proves that i am indeed so fuckin out of his life and he’s out of mine.
completely

and yes, i’ve been well. squash helps to take some frustration out, or replace it with new kinds. but sweating in general is just good.
so is getting laid. it’s all about endorphins, i tell you.
honestly, it’s so much easier dealing with jerks, half-jerks, and arrogant pompous bastards. you don’t have to be careful with them or play any sorts of games because they don’t do these things to you either. so everything is fair game, everything is laid out on the table, and it’s great to be able to say upfront: i’m only available for fun and no relationship, deal or no deal?

i’ve come to give myself the credit i deserve. getting to know other people, talking to strangers, interviewing, attending posh dinners and being in different circles than last year, have made me realize that i have a great personality and no one can ever take that away from me. it’s a cliche but sometimes it does take a stranger or two to make you realize that geez… i’ve accomplished so many things, beyond what a regular person normally does.
so clearly, i haven’t really changed that much.  i am still here despite whatever shit i just waddle through.  yes, i’ve lost that part of me who’s so naive and who’s so eager to see the beauty in other people as well as your relationship with them. i’m way more cynical now, way more skeptical, and clearly, not the biggest supporter of relationship (it’s bullshit anyway). and that’s probably be my new character, but i’m getting the rest of me back. the crazy reckless bitch living on the edge and gets a kick out of escaping death by a hairline. 

but yeah… try not to tell me anything about him. 

note to all my friends

the next time i break my heart (god forbid),
1. take me out for a squash game or three.
2. take me out dancing all night.
3. go scubadiving with me, preferably in shark-feeding area.

they should fix me up, i think.

If pain must come, may it come quickly. Because I have a life to live, and I need to live it in the best way possible. If he has to make a choice, may he make it now. Then I will either wait for him or forget him. Waiting is painful. Forgetting is painful. But not knowing which to do is the worst kind of suffering.

Paulo Coelho, "By the River Piedra I Sat Down and Wept"

well i guess i can proudly say that instead of letting my heart be dragged around by someone else’s decision, i didn’t wait around for him to make his choice and chose my own path. although right now, i’m neither waiting nor forgetting. i’m simply getting by.   

i don’t know why ella fitzgerald sounds amazing when it’s raining outside. but she does.
the only bad thing about all these melancholic jazzy sounds on a rainy day is that they turn me absolutely melancholic and sappy.
like when she sang cole’s ‘unforgettable’, i couldn’t help but wonder if  "i’m unforgettable too…"
blah.

my body is all sore, muscles aching and it’s a freakin torture to climb up/down the stairs, but i’ve never felt better. i know mixing squash with my schedule this semester is probably going to kill me alright, but i just know it’s one of those things i have to do if i want to survive this break-up. yesterday’s practice was the first three hours this month that the thought of him didn’t even enter my mind for the slightest bit. all i cared about on court was me and my game. and how good it felt to swing that racket with all my might.

alternatively i can just get endorphin shot intravenously.  

i’m not going to fight anymore. period.
you can say i’m stupid, or ridiculous, or weak, or self-pitying, or all of the above.
i don’t care.
i’m tired of fighting my feelings, of having to convince myself 24/7 that i’m forgetting him. i’m tired of hating myself for not being able to let him go. i’m tired of berating myself for still thinking about him and for still being miserable. i’m tired of slapping myself whenever i start crying. i’m tired of feeling like a piece of shit for still hoping.

this is me, folks.
the wretched me who can’t let go, who’s still crying in her sleep, who’s still hoping and dreaming that one day she’ll wake up to find that it’s all just one long nightmare she had. and hating myself for being me isn’t gonna do me any good but to feel even suckier than i already feel.
so i’m conceding defeat.

yes i suck. yes i’m a piece of shit for not being able to move on. yes i’m a worthless idiot for crying just because jess told me that b had a birthday party in his apartment last night. yes i’m fucked-up for still hoping. yes i’m self-pitying myself when i should realize that i have so many good qualities in me than to be put down by one single person.
yes to all of the above.
yes to the pain, yes to the misery, yes yes yes.

i don’t care about my pride anymore. i don’t care about proving to him or to anyone that i’m better than to miserable for a break-up.
i don’t care even if he already moves on two months ago and that right now the imaginary him is laughing at me (with a new girl) for still being stuck. i don’t fuckin care because i give up.
i’m stripping myself bare and present the most vulnerable part of me to the world to tear up and rip apart. he and you and everyone else can step all over me all you want and spit at me and laugh and rejoice at my misery and idiocy.
i simply don’t care.

ladies and gentlemen, i quit.