sotto voce

oh yes, sirre… it’s one deadly disease that you wouldn’t want to mess around with. it ain’t fun to have, especially coz the symptoms are so subtle, you won’t even notice them most of the times. but when it strikes, it strikes fast, bold, and… you’re helpless against it.

it comes and it goes, a little bit like seasons, only more unpredictable. you can sometimes deceive yourself into believing that it’s gone, only to realize that it’s right there, sitting non-chalantly across you. and once again you fall into despair, wondering why the hell it’s still hanging around despite your best attempt to exorcise it.

there are cures available, but none has been proven 100% effective. if you’re lucky, one treatment and you’re off the hook. if you’re not so lucky, only the symptoms will go away but they will come back surreptitiously when you’re not looking. if you’re unlucky, nothing you ever do will matter. it will be your best friend and your lifelong companion: always there. 

what is this strange disease, really? 

i’m just wondering,

when my dad wrote me a long email, basically asking me to promise him to abstain from any sorts of relationship for the next THREE YEARS, does he really think that i will honor my promise?

i mean, i’ve been out of the house for seven years. hardly take any advice from them, on account that i’m financially independent. have been doing whatever i feel like doing (and what i think is right). have my own moral values (which i admit, might / might not come from them). have become less and less attached to my asian cultures by the day (eepss..).
and so, does he really think that i’m still daddy’s little girl who’ll actually do whatever he asks me to??

just wondering… 

i skipped colloquium today because i felt a panic attack was coming right after my senior seminar.

what a weak mortal i am.

i’m scared shitless. prof K got it all wrong… it’s no use to talk to my advisors, sage and wise as they might be. all they can say is, "you don’t have to worry. you’ll do fine in anything you do."
i mean they got a point there, i know i’ll be okay anyways, but oh my freaking god, it’s much harder living it than to predict what’s gonna happen over the next five years.

and that fucking question, "are you gonna stay in the US?"

GRAH I FUCKING HATE THAT QUESTION.

if i can do it without all the fucking legal constraints, YES I WOULD DO IT. but the fact that i’ll get my ass deported out of this prick and pompous country just makes that question sooooo painful to answer.
i mean, going back to indo?
honestly i can’t imagine doing that. i won’t have any friends, no one to talk to, i’ll be a total stranger, hanging out with those bule. wtf. i don’t want to do that.
work in hk/malaysia/singapore?
won’t do either. cosmopolitan as these places might be, they’re still conservative nonetheless and arghhh.. the only place i want to be right now is new york, new york. it’s the creative capital yo and just let me stay there for the next ten years. that’ll be the longest i will ever stay at any one place but i’m sure i won’t be sick of that city because it’s a fine goddamn city okay.
so… no. i don’t want to go back.

mmmphhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

and for some reason i couldn’t stop thinking, "OMG WHAT IF HE HATES ME NOW?" and this story about this girl he hooked up with two summers ago just resurfaced. abt how he wouldn’t reply her emails, her messages and he was telling me with so much disgust and irritation at how the girl just wouldn’t rest it and didn’t get the hint that he don’t want to deal with her anymore.
I DON’T WANT TO BE THAT GIRL.

fuck. fuck. why the hell do i have to worry about that fucking shit right.
no. 1, i just have to trust that he likes me it’s just that he has all these bullshit emotional issues that he have to deal with
no. 2 , if he’s not meeting me halfway across the room with my offer of friendship, thinking that it’ll be better for both of us if he just avoids me straight up, then it’s his FUCKING PROBLEM.

sigh. even breathing is hard to do 

it was pretty hilarious hanging out with a and t. we haven’t hung out for a month maybe, and so when we finally had a short tete-a-tete in my room yesterday, we just started complaining about our respective shit highways.

we all had our breakdowns last week in our own ways.
i thought that was pretty interesting and insightful at the same time.

anyway, as i told t, there’s no better remedy than having an understanding friend or two or three or four, whom you can trust with your problems, your whining, and your complaints.
trust that they care for you and are not secretly thinking "omg. why is she so weak?"

finally started to sort out all the admin stuff needed to graduate early. this is so fucking scary, let me tell you. so scary…
as if that scariness is not enough, my dear dept chair just had to make the most sarcastic comment:

"you never fail to surprise me, ms. (my surname). people plan their graduations two months earlier. you, on the other hand, decide on the day of." shake head

gosh…
i mean, he’s right. i change my plan on an hourly basis and i’m moving from one decision to another as easy as i flip the pages of a book. (too bad i can’t do that with relationships)
he’s right. i’m probably not prepared to graduate but will do it anyway.
and the worst thing is: i can’t really justify my reason for leaving early in a way that is understandable to my professors.
imagine telling my faculty advisors that i can’t be on campus anymore because i’m psychologically unstable to be walking around campus, where there’s simply just too much memory of us.
that just sounds so inane, and they probably think, "are you fucking kidding me? are you saying that you need to graduate early because of a failed relationship?? that’s just fucking stupid, girl!"
but hey… there’s this girl who’s supposed to be an 07 but she took a year off sophomore year because of a failed relationship with this guy i briefly hooked up with. i can’t confirm that the year-off was due to the relationship, but she did take time off because of psychological issues after that relationship broke down.

anyway… i just don’t see anything left for me here. i don’t enjoy school anymore, i have this desire to move on with my life.

***

once upon a time there’s a happy little girl who one day bumps into a grocer who sells apples and oranges. the grocer calls out to her, "hey little girl, would you like to try some of my fruit?". since she likes fruit and the fruit does look quite fresh, she approaches the grocer and examines the fruit. the grocer offers her an apple and says, "here, little girl. try this."
she stares at him for a while, wondering if he really means it. she is very surprised by his gesture, since he picks her out of his other customers. turns out, she really likes the apple, and ever since then, she becomes his regular customer and he always give her apples for free.

once she asks, if he will forever give her apples. he says, "i can’t promise you anything, little girl." but the little girl, too giddy with excitement over this grocer and his delicious apples, just ignores the answer and trusts that she’ll forever have these apples.

time goes by and one fine day, the grocer no longer gives her apples.
"where are my apples?"
"there are no more apples."
"but why? where did the apples go?"
"i don’t know. i just have no more apples to give you."

the grocer doesn’t have the answer, all he knows is that he doesn’t have anymore apples and he can’t give anymore apples to the girl.
the girl tried to offer him money, thinking that he has some apples that he’s hiding. but he just simply has no more apples.
she leaves that day feeling dejected but being a naive little girl, she prays that this is all a dream and that she’ll eventually get her apples once again.

she comes back the next day with her money and asks the grocer if she can have some apples, pretty please.
but again, the same reply, ""there are no more apples."
"but why? where did the apples go?"
"i don’t know. i just have no more apples to give you."

every day the little girl comes back with the same request. sometimes the requests are subtle, sometimes the requests are obvious. she hangs around the grocer for a period of time every day, hoping that by befriending him, he’ll get that secret stash of apple he’s been hiding. there are days when the little girl is convinced that the grocer is taking out the apple out of his pocket and give it to her. but instead, it’s an orange he takes out of his pocket and pass it to the little girl.

she can’t comprehend why this supply of apples suddenly disappear. is it because now she’s not cute enough for the grocer, because she’s not as mature as his other customers, because she wears her hair in ponytail instead of pigtails, because her shampoo is strawberry instead of apples, .... all possibilities of explanations explored and still no right answer, and still no apples.

after a while the little girl gets really frustrated, and in her little girl’s fashion, starts to throw tantrum.
"I WANT MY APPLES. I WANT THE APPLES YOU ALWAYS GIVE ME. WHERE THE FUCK IS MY APPLE?"

my, my… someone should really wash that girl’s mouth.

anyway, the grocer gives her the same answer.
"i don’t have anymore apples. i don’t know why there are no more apples. but right now i can only give you oranges."
the girl gets really sad and decides that it’s probably better to start avoiding the grocer because he only reminds her of the good times she had with him and the free apples.

for five days she didn’t visit the grocer, avoided everything that is related to him, but it only turns her into a miserable little girl. she realizes that it’s not just the apples she’s missing now, she misses the grocer most of all. other grocers don’t interest her at all, because it’s this specific grocer she loves. just this one. (that’s love my dear reader, singular and irreplaceable)

so she goes back to the grocer, shyly accepting the orange he offers her.
she will still expect the apples to come back and she will still be hurt when she realizes yet again that there are no more apples. but she’s learning to accept the disappointment that comes. maybe one day she’ll forget altogether that there were apples, maybe not, she won’t know now. maybe one day she’ll get sick of the grocer, maybe not, she won’t know now.

the thing that she has to learn is to live with the disappointment and train herself so that this disappointment does not control her life.  

what’s gonna happen next to the girl? you just have to follow her story…

***

i’m still trying mightily hard to not let my emotion be controlled by what he does/doesn’t do. it’s about lowering expectation, it’s about self-control, it’s about putting things in perspective and realizing that it’s more important for me to focus on my graduation and my future.
it’s hard, you know. especially when the very thing that drives you to graduation is actually the man himself.

i’m honestly worried about myself. i only ate a measly cup of yoghurt with honey and a packet of instant noodle yesterday.
i had croissant for breakfast today and i don’t feel like eating even though it’s already 1pm. most probably i will hold out until dinner time and munch on a little bread.
i’m just not hungry, no appetite, no desire to eat.

this is just not me. 

i probably shouldn’t be so quick to judge, but instead of being therapeutic, today’s session was more heart-breaking than anything. i don’t know how effective this whole thing is going to be. i mean, dr.C was really nice and sympathetic, perceptive and very clinical, but she made me go through all the painful things that aren’t necessarily related to my present condition, which turned me into a waterfall. it’s just terrible when you’re made to be honest to yourself and to everyone else and admit that you are actually a fucking mess. one huge emotional mess, despite what you convince yourself, and despite what you always present to the whole world, coz that’s the only way life can still go on.

i’ve always wondered if i’m actually an evil person to myself. i’m always overtly critical about my work, and how i handle things. always thinking that i’m not working hard enough, that i’m a softie and that i tend to pity myself. always blaming me for everything that goes wrong. and maybe,... i should’ve been much kinder to myself. 

most of the time it’s not the tears of sadness that come out, merely out of frustration. can’t understand why i can’t logically ignore my mom’s guilttrips when i know exactly where those guilt came from. why i’m still very much controlled by what happened in the past. why i can’t let go of b as easily as i let go of my lost ipod. why a relationship that only spanned five brief months has to turn me into an emotional blob. why i’ve never been true to myself and sought all these mindless experiences that merely challenge but never satisfy.  

i guess i was lying yesterday when i told s i was perfectly fine. clearly not. i woke up this morning feeling like someone has stuck his hand inside my chest and ripped out my heart. i spent most of the morning crying while convincing my parents that i haven’t turned into a starving artist and will not be. and it hurt when my dad said, "well i can promise you that i’ll support you no matter what you do, but can you please promise me that you won’t get into any relationship for the next three years?"

yes daddy, you’ve always been right. since i started dating in junior high, you’ve always been right. i’m way too emotional and sensitive to handle relationship, that’s what he told me. too fragile for this risky business. how mistaken and how true at the same time. but no, i’m not gonna agree with him that these stupid men have broken me into pieces. recall the wise sage words of nietzsche, "that which does not kill you will only make you stronger."

and fuck you b. fuck you for never allowing me to feel the way i want to feel. for reprimanding me and my feeling. for controlling how i’m supposed to feel about you just for the sake of you and your stupid fear of commitment. fuck you for inflicting guilt on me for loving you. fuck you for that.

i dreamt i was walking in east village and i caught a glimpse of him walking awkwardly next to a girl, making small talk. and that dream hurt. i had to wake up and told myself repeatedly, "it’s okay. it’s okay. just let it go. just let it go." but i’m still perpetually chained to this empty vessel that will soon sink me into the bottom of the ocean.

it’s the most difficult in the morning. when you woke up as rays of sun shine upon your face and it struck you that you still have the rest of your life, with one less of a dear friend to bitch/talk to.

he sent me an email right when the clock struck midnight. i’ve no idea if that was planned, but i was pretty impressed when i saw 12:00 am on the timestamp. short and sweet, as always. made me doubt my whole theory about how he kept me around as a friend because he selfishly didn’t want to feel guilty for breaking up with me and to have me as an adoring house fly that flutter all about him. for now, i really believe that he’s always seen a friend in me, which is why he sought me in the first place (as opposed to other girls who’re prettier/sexier/smarter/hotter but "are bitchy-looking") haha.

anyway,  i only have 38 years left, so i better suck it up and move on. my friends are all right, i should worry about myself first, before worrying about him. he’s hurt, true, but i’m hurting too.

so.. when will i know that i’m ready to see him as a friend? i guess, when i’m able to think of him with another girl and am able to sincerely say, "i’m happy for you and i wish you guys happiness". it scares me to think that probably i’ll never be able to do that, to be so generous and selfless, which means our friendship is probably lost forever.

it’s different with the other guys because i can simply say, "well, he’s not the right person". for him, it’s always been "well, it’s not the right time", which makes him not the right person at this point in time, but still you can’t stop wondering under what kind of right circumstances will he be the right person.  

for the time being, though, i just have to worry about myself and my sanity, and focus on graduating early. as frou frou says, " ‘cause there’s beauty in the breakdown" 

dearest friends (and strangers),

i am currently writing a proposal for a travel grant on the topic of "curry and the indian diaspora". as such, if you have any contacts in the following countries, please email me ASAP with the contact information.
this contact person should be familiar with the country, able to speak the native language and will be able to help me do interviews. time frame will be from may 2008 – may 2009. i will not spend more than 2 months in the country and time commitment will be pretty minimum for this contact person. also, i will pay for food, travel, etc.

 so… the countries:

1. India (Bengal, Punjab, Madras, Bombay)
2. Bangladesh (Shylhet, Dhakka)
3. Mauritius
4. Fiji
5. Guyana
6. Trinidad
7. Surinam
8. UK (London)
9. South Africa
10. Sri Lanka

i think i’ve got enough for UK, India and Bangladesh, so any contacts in the other countries will be very helpful.

the proposal is due on friday so do email me at pipsqueak_8@yahoo.com ASAP.
My travelling feet and I will be forever indebted to you.

much love,

sel 

say, "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH"

phew… now i feel better. 

instead of cleaning up my room / do a checklist of things i need to do tomorrow / emailing people, i chilled and wrote a song.

damn proud okay… i haven’t written anything in two or three years, and this one is pretty good shit mann… in terms of lyric creativity (i think). will consult the maestro on chords and stuff and maybe i’ll post it if i’m feeling brave enough. ha ha ha

do not want to talk about school-related stuff. let’s pretend it’s still summer, shall we?