sotto voce

sigh…
so one of my techs complained because he felt he shd be getting paid more, since the other two in his team are total slackers and have no competence in the program at all, so he has to walk them through the program step by step.

err… excuse me. i know i can’t really complain about it right now because i’m earning premium rate right now. but come on… during semester time, i often get same pay as other managers and i work triple-hard.
is that fair?
err… DUH no! can i do anything about it?
maybe i can bitch here and there, but in the end, it’s just part and parcel of the job. there’s nothing much i can do about it.

and these people are complaining about getting paid 8 bucks per hour, comparing it to other employment on campus right now. once again, you are sitting there doing post-production in an air-conditioned lab, and you want to compare it to jobs where you have to be on your feet 10 hours straight, packing sandwiches and serving food.

sigh…
i mean, i want to be fair too. i want my staff to be happy, earning lots of money, so they can brag to their friends about their awesome job and high pay.
but payroll is totally beyond my control.
i’m in no position to decide how much each person should get paid and knowing me, i naively assume that other people are as indifferent about money matters as i am.
obviously not true at all.
most people are concerned about how much they’re paid and if the pay accurately reflects the amount of effort they put.
on the other hand, i’ve been overworked and underpaid for way too long that i’ve stopped bothering about this kind of thing.

pshhhhh.

“it’s like finding a dress that fits you so perfectly, but realizing you don’t have enough money to buy it.

it’s hard letting it go because you wonder if the dress will still be there when you finally have enough money for it, or if you’ll find another perfect one in the future.

phew. finally managed to clean up my house, packed my gazillion of stuff and moved it to various places.
because the housing office is fucked up, i practically have nowhere to live for this week.
no big deal actually, coz i haven’t slept in my room for the past three weeks or so anyway. and B allowed me to put my shit in his place. but still, the fact that i have to move in and out like a hobo today is so fucking annoying. i think B was quite distressed looking at my constant whining today.

***

after a long day of packing and moving, i’m now back in the office, working.
gotta prepare stuff for next week’s commencement.
stress sia… coz this kind of work really cannot fuck up, else i’ll have a lot of unhappy people complaining.
they say with great power comes great responsibility.
but for me, it’s no power but fucking bullshit-load of responsibilities.
just look at how they treat me with the housing stuff (plus, my boss almost didn’t let me use the golfcart to move my shit today)

oh man, just thinking about the amount of things i have to do gives me headache.
added to that, the fact that i can’t hang out a lot with B coz of work.
it’s probably better that way, so he’ll get to hang out with his graduating friends and i won’t feel guilty for taking him away from his friends. still i kinda wish i could actually spend more time partying with him next week. but from the look of it, i’ll be stuck in the office till really late starting tomorrow…
sob sob.
sigh…
i guess the key is to take things one at a time and keep reminding myself that to err is human and nobody’s perfect. i’ll screw up here and there, but i’ll fix it and eventually we’ll all float on alright.

***

on a happier note, yesterday i unofficially became B’s band member – playing tamborine and doing back-up vocals. well, actually he gave me a solo for one song (velvet underground’s "after hours") but they screwed up the bridge. boo…
hehehe… it was still a lot of fun, though.
they’re all a talented bunch and they came up with a four-hours program with half-an-hour’s worth of practice, no scores, no nothing. just improvising along the way, and i guess they’ve been playing a lot of the songs before.
it’s been a while since i’m actively involved in music stuff and it made me happy to know my improvisation skill is still there.
now i’m just waiting for B to give me a part in his next song. hahahah

(warning: RA for violent language) 

don’t you just find it irritating when someone (normally the authority / bureaucracy / admin staff) pretends to sympathize with you when they actually didn’t even care about your problems?

argh.

so they’re kicking me out of my house because they want to install fire sprinklers during senior week.
WTFH?!

oei. excuse me. but i’m a VVVVVVIP during senior week okay… i’m supposed to take care of 75 events, manage 40 over people, and make sure all the gramps and grannies get whatever they want (class of ‘77 reunion wants an ipod dock. wth?? i thought they’re too old for that).
so yes… given the amount of SHIT i have to deal with, they still expect me to pack my stuff pronto in two freakin days, move it to my tiny shithole temporary housing in FUCKING FRESHMAN DORM and then move it again after one week to another shitty housing, before i finally move it to my summer housing?

someone just shoot me please.
do i look like a fucking nomad, or what?

aaaaaarghhhh!
and the stupid fella i just talked to pretended as if he cared about my problem when he was just uh-huh-ing the whole way through before finally advising me to start packing my stuff.
such a fuckingdouchebagfullofshit.

if i’m a fucking rich brat like my housemate i can probably just pay people to pack my stuff and bring it from places to places. unfortunately, i have to do everything myself. fucking shit.

i mean, can ask people to help me lah, but stillllll…. this is so freakin irritating i feel like busting someone’s balls with meat-grinder.
why the fuck fuck do they want to install fire sprinklers DURING senior week??? not enough time in summer mehhhh???
and why my fucking houseeee??? WWHYYYYY??
GAWD this is just so unfair.
i mean, if this happens to one of my workers, i’ll feel sad for him/her but at least i know they aren’t that busy so they probably can manage it.
BUT ME???
i’m planning to sleep over in the office from friday onwards lehhh, you think i got time to pack my shit?
URGH! URGH! URGH!

i’m so fucking doneeeeeee

although the feeling of liberation isn’t as ecstatic as the one last year – mostly because i don’t have that many papers / finals this semester. or maybe i’m just getting inured to the ridiculous amount of  work i always have, that it seems to get easier and easier.

anyway… i’m taking one day off before i’ve to start planning for commencement week. arrrghhhh plus packing and moving stuff. arghhhh
i hate being a nomad.

time for hell to break loose, baby…. 

someone: so, why do you like smoking?

me: mmm. it helps me poop in the morning. 

someone: ??? 

this, is the reason why i can’t take it easy.
when i, take it easy, i can’t function, i can’t work, my productivity rate drops to zero.

this final week i only have one paper, one problem set and one final, which effectively turn me into a schmoo because i just have no motivation to work fast.
1000word essay, which normally only takes me three hour tops, has consumed at least ten hours of my time this week, just because i’m doing it ahead of time and so the pressure of deadline isn’t hovering above my neck.
graaaaaaahhh.

gimme work, gimme gimme gimme. 

for the unenlightened, i am one lucky girl because i have to write one paper every week, which is due every friday. well, sometimes if i’m super super lucky, i’ll get to write two (or three) papers per week.
i am, ladies and gentlemen, sincerely tired of writing these friggin essays.
as much as i adore, love, and like the subjects, i am fucking tired of producing words, sentences, and citations.

and where does all these bullshitting piles of paper get me to?
nowhere.
fukcing A.

i dunno la. i’ve recently become really depressed when i think of summer. although my internship is damn fun and hey hey.. who else get to go to USVI for summer internship right?, still i feel inferior and i feel stupid and i feel inadequate.

i’m definitely earning much much less as compared to other people who’re interning for IB (DUHH!!) , getting less relevant experience as other people who’re interning for publicis / o&m / TBWA, ... 

psh.
i can see myself being unemployed after graduation.
fuck.fuck.fuck.