sotto voce

Assuming independence between ‘me’ and ‘p3’,
i.e. what ‘me’ says do not affect what ‘p3’ says.

me: i prefer her first album

p3: ok
p3: i like both

me: i think we can’t travel together
me: honestly

p3: ooouch

me: no, not because you like both her album
me: but i think i’ll bore you and you’ll bore me
me: and we’ll bore each other to death

p3: oo ok
p3: where’s that coming from?

p3 signed off

me: i rest my case

"Message cannot be sent. Error: p3 is not available." 

quod era demonstrandum,
terminar el alegato,
need i say more.

i should block that asshole, honestly. 

mystery solved, ladies and gentlemen…

the reason why i LURVE bebel gilberto, is….
because i first heard her songs in ‘closer’.
no wonder they sound so damn familiar

and in case we need further psycho-analysis on why i like that tour de force of a movie, it’s about love, trust, jealousy and betrayal.
not my life through the looking-glass, but close enough.
can be closer, though….

hahah.. fucking corny.

oh, have i told you he sent me bebel’s second album?
well, we kinda trade her albums – i sent him her first one.
grave sin, i know…
especially because she’s one artist i admire.
but well, my poverty is my defense. say ‘amen’ to that brothers and sisters.

what the heow… i woke up at 4.30am thinking it’s 6.30 am, and i’ve only slept for mere 3 hours.

scheisse…

normally i don’t mind playing along: not knowing the exact rules of the game and simply playing it by ear. improvisation, so to speak. but this… is simply irritating.

i feel like a buoy – bobbing up and down – left to the mercy of the mighty ocean. or suspended particle, perhaps. floating along, carried by current, eaten by plankton, ... or heaven forbid, drop to the floor and rot.

slap self

i’m moody when he’s slow in replying. i’m happy when he jokes with me. i’m worried that he’s bored with me.
everything is a function of his reaction.
i wonder if this is reciprocated.

no wonder we’re staying in this status quo, since nobody really wants to move forward, merely inch bit by bit, then withdraw one metre, for fear of the other’s reaction.
fuck shit, really.

N is right: "just don’t bring the cows home."
but dammit, i’ve dragged this cow further than i should. now i can’t let it go.
probably i should slaughter it and turn it into beef jerky.
mmmm… yummmm.

i’m super paranoid right now. i think i might’ve picked up some poison ivy during geomorph lab just now. shite.

so not fun having poison ivy, especially in the lower part of your body. urgh… stupid plant.
why did God create poison ivy?
i think that can be a good argument against God / creation theory. haha.

bumped into greene this morning and he didn’t say ‘hi’.
well, supposed  that’s cause i was wearing my rock-star sunglasses which made me look un-sel – according to couple of friends, that is.

btw, cheers to my first cup of espresso this semester.
it’s so bloody potent that i had heart palpitations throughout the morning.
blardee hell..

aight. off to finish my tomblab. 

ain’t going to complain, but… after wasting (yes dear,... wasting indeed) one precious hour – which could have been devoted to finishing up my lab report that’s due tomorrow – looking for cheap tickets so we can celebrate his birthday together, i just fucking need to moan and groan and complain as loud as i mortally can.

KNNBCCB!

why the fuck is it so ‘ard to find flights that’s below 250USD from toronto to hartford. it’s only 2 bloody hours okay… and it’s not as if it’s a no-fly zone such that the ludicrous price is justified. i mean, who’s gonna pay one thousand fucking dollar for such a short haul???

chiseen or what?

and when you find something that’s kinda affordable, you realize it’s for double occupancy and no deal for solo traveller (WTF?!). or, you have to book seven day in advance, when i thought the meaning of last minute travel IS, literally, last minute.

such is the pain of long-distance, and no amount of time/suffering/ticket-browsing will adapt me to this inhumane treatment by stupid travel websites.

that aside, this morning started with a lurch. like, really really sluggish and unbearably boring. i nearly fell asleep during chinese and i did fall asleep reading my astrobio reading as i was eating my breakfast. terrible, innit? plus, everything just feel so sucky. two computers broke down on me and i thought i was damn smart for discovering the hardware error only to find other tech reported to me an hour later that there was nothing wrong with those two computers. sigh… i must be jinxed.

so i did the smartest thing ever. i skipped econs, went straight to my bed, took two hours nap, woke up and bathed (again) and dressed up in nice spring-ish clothes.

what a difference that made! my mood went up many notches and thanks to ben and our mon/wed dinner ritual, i felt really really happy today. plus, i managed to rip bebel gilberto’s album from someone’s itunes.

yeh yeh… illegal whatever dipshit.

but now i’m pissed. all thanks to air travel. curse curse curse 

you told yourself, stop being so fucking idiotic.

but under the glare of the morning sun, you saw traces of spittles and sneeze droplets on the black computer screes. "How gross," you told yourself. Why don’t anyone ever notice?

he told you, "I would’ve dated her if I were in NY. Right now it’s just too far. 6 hours drive is way too long."

Is this for pity’s sake, you asked. Because it ain’t right to say ‘poor her. let me just date her to make her feel better.’

"No, gawd, no. It’s not just pity."

Good, you said. Wow, did you just manage your first attempt at matchmaking.
Somehow you could see yourself as the bridesmaid in several of your friends’ weddings, nodding approvingly at the couple, while glancing around for a prospective – not husband, but – snag target.

"Yeah. You’ll be the crazy auntie for her children, until they become adolescent, and then you’ll be their ‘cool’ auntie."

Am I the slut I portray myself to be? Girls-just-wanna-have-fun, that’s the euphimism, but what’s hiding behind when you scratch the patina of niceties off ? 

There’s one line in liz’s draft that keeps hitting me at the back of my head, "You’re too wicked for them, yet too angelic for the other."

Have I told you I hate straddling these two worlds? Born and bred on the wrong side of this globe, and found my torn half after 20 years of floundering. Yet we can’t be reunited, because they’ve become total opposite.

Always contradictory. You’re Antithesis incarnate.
And you are everything, yet nothing at the same time.

What Zen philosophy is that?

I think I prefer Meredith Brook’s philosophy (thanks gav, for the week’s worth of endless thought)

I hate the world today
You’re so good to me
I know, but I can’t change
Tried to tell you but you look at me
like maybe I’m an angel underneath
innocent and sweet
Yesterday I cried
You must have been relieved
to see the softer side
I can understand how you’d be so confused
I don’t envy you
I’m a little bit of everything
all rolled into one

Chorus:
I’m a bitch, I’m a lover
I’m a child, I’m a mother
I’m a sinner, I’m a saint
I do not feel ashamed
I’m your health, I’m your dream
I’m nothing in between
You know you wouldn’t want it any other way

So take me as I am
This may mean you’ll have to be a stronger man
Rest assured that when I start to make you nervous
and I’m going to extremes
tomorrow I will change
and today won’t mean a thing

Just when you think you’ve got me figured out
the season’s already changing
I think it’s cool you do what you do
and don’t try to save me

I’m a bitch, I’m a tease
I’m a goddess on my knees
when you hurt, when you suffer
I’m your angel undercover
I’ve been numbed, I’m revived
can’t say I’m not alive
You know I wouldn’t want it any other way 

a doughnut speech is …. (according to Al Sharpton)

"one with a lot of sugar and syrup on the outside, and nothing but a hole in the middle." 

honestly it does. big time.

what did you do for your bday?

    got hammered

found a boy?

and then you’re just totally uninspring.
he can be a total asshole sometime.

au contraire, i’m not feeling out of sorts.

when i discovered, my boyfriend non-chalantly explained to his friend how i cheated on him and why (i just hoped he spared his friends the details), i wasn’t hurt or embarassed or anything. i was just, indifferent.

likewise, when i knew he’d been hanging out with girls, or grinding with them, or what nots, there’s not even the slightest tinge of jealousy in me bursting to take over my soul.

clearly this blasé attitude has something to do with my newyork infatuation, still it surprises me, how i can be so calm about all these things.

is this a sign of our relationship fizzling off?

gav is in town, visiting from DC. and he bought me a classy porn for my birthday – drawn by alan moore and his wife. how sweet.

sometimes i think i need to asexualize myself.. 

last note: i want bebel gilberto’s CD.  

"In this overwhelmingly Muslim country, the government considers that the risk of political protests would be too great if it executed the Bali bombers and not the Christians."
Read the full news, here

 Isn’t that just sad, when human being is turned into pawns in political game? When we become the "eye for an eye": the sacrificial lamb that serves to placate others. And I thought we live in the 20th century.

he could tell something was wrong with these past few days – or even weeks. and i didn’t know it was that obvious. i tried my best to hide it, after all.

i mean, it’s true this semester is wearing me thin. with a 7 to 10 non-stop schedule, 7 days a week, who wouldn’t be. it’s only human for me to be completely exhausted and cranky by the time clock struck 11. it’s my time off…
yet, being a girlfriend is a full-time job. 24/7. you’re supposed to ‘entertain’ him and he you.

y’know, it’s supposed to be invigorating. all our nightly talks… but i seem to enjoy it less and less. i’ve to keep track of what’s happening in his lives, all his new friends, concentrate on what’s being said etc.
i wonder if it has always been this tiring, or  this new-found tiredness signals a growing discontent in our relationship?

but i suppose i’m more tired of something else: feeling like shit when AIM prevented me from talking to the other him.
i don’t want to be moody just because of that. it’s fucking stupid.

loveeeeeyyyy,

maraming salamat…
it’s no biggy coz i don’t really fancy celebrating my b’day anyway… (it’s so passe!) and it’s just dreary thinking how old i am. =(
but hell yeah… i shall be patiently waiting for your private jet and the cute pilot. can he please be an asia-pacific looking brit boy with north london accent??
hahahahahah…picky picky.

but yeh… tell me when i can visit you, lovey. i’d love to see your gorgeous basement and your lab and your labmates and your new-found toyboy.

btw, =( i never visit summerfs nowadays… i’ll def miss you a lot if i go to that place.

i’ve a birthday story, actually.
yesterday, just as i was telling myself to forget about him, he called. On my birthday  (HEARTTT!!). Unfortunately, I didn’t bring my cellphone with me yesterday, coz I left the house in a rush and blah blah blah..
So when I got back at night (11pm-ish) I only got his voicemail (AWWWW!). This is the full transcript (i know… i’m so silly like that):

"hi, i want to wish you… this is G… i want to wish you happy birthday. thanks for the email (note: i sent an email to him earlier abt teaching in china. he requested it when we’re in NY), i just got back from chicago. i hope you’re doing well and give me a call back, ok."

nothing sweet, really.
so i called him back, but his phone was off… so i left msg on his voicemail. And knowing him… I thought we’d never be in contact ever again until I go to NY the next time and call him or sth like that.
but hey hey hey… I suddenly received a message on AIM at abt 11.30pm, and it’s him.

His first message was:

"happy bday girl
its yer boy
guess who"

hahahahaha… so funny like that.
however, I pretended I didn’t know who he was (although i damn well do) and in the end we chatted about 45mins. online until I became too sleepy.

But the thing is, I was actually on the phone with my boy when he msg-ed me on AIM. So i was practically talking to the two boys at the same time (*gulp*). But of course, my atttention was actually more focused towards the AIM window than boyboy’s voice, coz he was talking some rubbish about some talking fish, whereas… well, whereas, i never talked online with this G guy before…

I’m happy just because finally he’s the one who had the initiative… that is adding me to his AIM list. And I’ve actually been restraining myself from adding his name to my list (even though he asked me to add his name to my AIM buddy when we met in NY) because i’m just tired of making the first move.
if this is ever going to work, he has to make the effort, right?
So I set the test, and he did well.

Some memorable things from the chat: (the ones in quotation mark are his)

"so, are you excited that i’m gonna be in asia?
we gotta go travelling together, okay?"

i dunno man, i only have 1 mth to travel and your plan sounds very very ambitious

"yea, of course. of course it’s ambitious.
i’m an ambitious person, you know that.."

no, i don’t. i don’t know much about you.

"true, true.
but anyway, let’s go to myanmar"

i bet you gonna be tired by the second week

"of travelling?"

HAHAHAHHAH. I was thinking dirty over here.
i mean, DUH, of course tired of travelling laaa
otherwise tired from doing what/??? HAAA (don’t answer, i know you know the answer. lol)

AND THEN AT THE END,

hey, i’m gonna go to bed now. gotta wake up early tomorrow (thanks to chinese)

"haha.. yah. you better sleep now. sai jen. 
(note: he’s trying to say ‘zai jian’ which means bye2 in chinese)"

zai jian

"i know. i know.
don’t worry, i’m gonna learn (Chinese)
and i’m going to impress
you"

you better. i’m pretty hard to impress, y’know.

 AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

i love my ipod, because it’s the only gadget i have that doesn’t stand me up, and even more, it understands me better than anyone.

i woke up this morning feeling all frazzled – not sure how to feel like a 22-year-old – while i had to finish doing my tech job and complete my geomorphology lab report by 9am. and everything seemed to mess up: knocked over things on my table, i looked like a hag with my sleeping-deprivation-induced eyebags, my hair was all cranky and i couldn’t find my favorite bra.
indications of a bad day, basically.

then powwie (my ipod’s name) soothed; Swingle Singers’ "Summertime", Idina Menzel’s "I’m not that girl", Iron and Wine’s "Fever Dream"...
(and this is shuffle mode yea… i have no input whatsoever)

i can’t imagine a better line-up.
here’s to a good day ahead cheer

no.

i will not create any resolutions for my 22nd birthday.
no, i will not stop saying "fuck ", "shit",  and "what the hell"
no, i will NEVER support that stupid asshole of a facebook ever again.
no, i will not think whether he’s replied my email or not.
and yes, he can go straight to whichever level of hell he wants to.
motherfucking of a shit!

i hate mojito.

oh yeah, and no, i don’t need fucking birthday wishes.

i must confess, i did track his movement through the mini-feed on facebook. which is why i think mini-feed is evil and facebook poses a moral dilemma to me.
it’s tiring (for your heart) to have to wonder all the time, why the heck he hasn’t replied to your cute & witty email when he had the time to post photos on facebook.

none of my problem really… he can divide his time anyway he wants to and it’s his prerogative to not reply to my email. perhaps he doesn’t want to. perhaps he never receives it (CHOI!), perhaps it’s the kind of email that doesn’t need a reply, perhaps perhaps perhaps…

see, it’s this never-ending perhaps that i wish to end.

oh geez. i’m already 22 yrs old and 12 hours.
old geezer.

but still bloody stupid like some prepubescent teenage girl. GRAH!

sometimes i wonder who’s the childish one between the three of us

they, who verbally attacked me and claimed that i was a hypocrite when i merely want everything to be forgotten and stored in the deepest recess of my memory.

or i, who responded cheekily that they’re so stupid for wanting us to be confrontative and now refused to talk to any of them. 

i can be friendly, really. it’s not that hard to smile to people… i even smiled to strangers, babies and dogs. but if that gesture of civility will only be interpreted as a hypocritical attempt at concealing the animosity between us (which is the most ruthless accusation ever conceived, in my honest opinion), then i shall refuse to be villified and proceed with their ways. they want me to be evil, well then, i shall be.  kein problem.

so who’s childish now?  

went shopping with mira today (early b’day treat. heh.) and as i was paying for my cute red dress, i found john 3:16 at the bottom of the shopping bag. i asked the cashier why it’s there and she had no clue either. most probably she didn’t even notice it’s there.

i looked it up and voila

"For God so loved the world that He gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life."  (King James Version)

I remember there’s a nice choral piece (really simple one) consisting of just this one verse that i liked a lot.

But it’s really puzzling. why is there this verse at the bottom of the shopping bag? another way to proselytize people?

strange strange 

last night as i watched random couples making out on the dance floor, i realized i was looking for a face i knew i wouldn’t find. and it’s a face that belongs to the boy – not the one i’m dating and has been professing my love to, but the one who fleets in and out of my life, leaving his bits and pieces of affection but never comes back to retrieve them or give me a bigger slice. the one i know i can’t have

gawd, how i hate myself for my own stupidity.

these things won’t matter if only i weren’t so optimistic. i would’ve dropped this thing so long ago if i never thought this would work out. i would’ve known that he is him and his infamous wishy-washiness  and these things would never work out with what i want and what i have in mind. i would’ve known right after the senior week, that i should delete his number from my phone and ditch him from my facebook so that our contacts would’ve been lost forever.

i do want to psycho-analyse myself and find out why i prefer him to the other one? because i already have the other one and i merely want another?
because i know my boy could never visit me on a weekly basis, whereas this one can?
because i know this boy would show me things the other boy doesn’t?
because i’m getting tired with this stable relationship and i want to sabotage my own future by having a whirlwind of a relationship?

i’m not even making sense… 

yay! i got into rosenblat’s behavioral economics.
and it’s much much much more fun than i thought
except that i don’t quite fancy those staring jocks in the class

today’s my housemate’s birthday and i was quite thrown when she told us she’s going to ny to go clubbing.
i was like, "eh??? you go clubbing? how come i don’t know?".
i mean, she never, i repeat, NEVER, goes to wes party – which can be quite lame for some people’s taste, true – so how am i supposed to expect that she is actually my kind.

people are sometime just way too cold. i think it’s the weather…
september but feels like early november.
someone should be upbraided for this extreme climate change. throw them with eggs.

blah.

i had a terrible 3-hours nap. way too tired today, i woke up at 6.30 to come in for my 7 o’clock shift. chiseen, i tell you.
although i see interesting stuff and feeling extremely powerful for being one of the (perhaps less than) twenty people who can get into (almost) all parts of campus any hours and who can bring the whole school’s internet server down.

MUAHAHHAHHA.

so my nap,
i had a strange dream.
i dreamt i had this saggy fats around my waist which practically surrounded my hips. a tyre of blubber.
it’s so fuckin scary….. talking about positive image, i definitely have negative self-image.

of course i shouldn’t complain.

i remember freshman year i was, quoting tito, "hurting for hours".
now i’m literally being flooded with job offers.
left right up down.
if only i wasn’t a double major and if there were more than 24 hours in a day,
i’d have been snapping all the work i can do and taking merely four credits a semester.
oh, and attend a lot of parties.

i hate these people. they’re partying in the middle of the week.
like, what the fuck?

chinese is ruining my life. astrobio kicks my ass.
geomorph morphs me into a geek
T has successfully maintained my slavery status.
V just acquired possession of my remaining free time,
and liberally encourage other people to take part in diminishing my free hours
and H is just so confusing.

 but i’m happy as a … virgin, touched for the very first time.

hahahah… so silly.

honestly though, i’m so carefree nowadays, despite being ridden by so many things.
and btw, carmina burana is totally cool. plus, i enjoy my alto status, thank you very much>

stupid sopranos, always hold their notes longer than they should, even though the pitch is, more often than not, off.
alto, alto,  bravo, bravo…

ah. sleep. 

it’s such a relief to finally send that email.

i’ve no business with him anymore. if he replies, good.
if not… well, just goes to show that he is really a jerk that should be a jerk chicken.

lol.

i miss writing papers. this sem i’ve no writing-intensive course at all.
boohoohoo. 

just a crazy thought.

 probably the reason why they broke up was because she has a japanese surname.

the reason why i came to this crazy conclusion:

i asked him why he doesn’t learn japanese instead, if he really wants to pursue international sport (read: baseball), since baseball is much much more popular in japan than in china or any other asian countries.
his answer: my popo and my tai popo will skin me alive if i learn that language.

so apparently his grannies are still very anti-japanese because of WWII, etc.

interesting, innit?

i promise: 2 more entries, and there’ll be no more him.
of course, one caveat being – if there’s interesting development.

crepes with apple chardonnay chicken sausage filling  and peachy honey mint crepes for dessert , plus rosea wine and jazz on a chilly tuesday night is like the best thing ever.

too classy for our own good.

nice catching up with those ppl and i also get bonus education on the topic of him and his extraordinaire jerkiness.
not as if i don’t know  abt it.
but yea, my dear girl M is a friend of Y, who used to go out with G.
Y complained to M about G a lot, because he’s so wishy-washy.
i can completely attest to that.
and Y often told M that she doesn’t know if she was attached to G or not, because of the same abovementioned reason.

yada yada yada… same old thing. so expected of G.

but, interestingly,
Y and G then had a big fight and since Y was so into G, Y was so distraught when they broke up, she had to take one semester leave and went to aussie after that. probably to avoid G.
gee-whiz.

i cannot imagine what happened, such that she actually needed to get away from him so badly.

interesting.

but of course M added, that despite his jerkiness, he’s still a very nice person.

i tell you, that G is one HUGE mystery. more complex than the cosmic creation.

now i’m kinda paranoid everytime i see Y in school, coz i feel like she stares at me. but then again, i might be extra sensitive and also, there are other people who stare at me and i don’t really bother about them. so why should i bother about her. probably she likes my sense of dressing?

lol.
but yea. i’m just gonna email him whatever i’ve promised to email and throw that hope into the wind. someone else needs it more than i do.
as my dear boyfriend told me yesterday, i have a good life. everything is in order, i have everything i can hope for. that’s why i’m so totally clueless on what i want for my birthday.

and i felt soooo very sad today, because i can’t fucking remember why 56-Fe is the most stable element (and has high relative abundance) on Earth. i know i learnt it for A-level
and i’ve completely forgotten how to do the sp-orbital thingy. . sho shitey.
i wish i had RJ’s chemistry lecture notes with me right now.
mMMPPH.

New York Withdrawal Symptom.

i want my chrysler, my empire state, and dirty subway. i want rude (and incomprehensible) taxi drivers, cornucopia of languages within 100 metre radius, dogs of all kinds pooing all over the place. i want to be where he is.

it’s really silly. i thought i only wanted things i can’t have, and assumed that once i knew i could, i’d let it go. well, turns out i’m only spurred even further by all the confirmatory (is there such word) signals i received on sunday. sunday funday.

perhaps i’m reading too much between the lines. squeezing meanings into places where they don’t belong.
but honestly, he’s not the kindest of person, and he can easily cook up some excuses to avoid meeting me. and it’s also unlikely (although possible) that he wanted to see me to get into my pants, because he stayed back for hours – despite his fatigued legs (waitering and all its occupational hazards) – even after we realized early in the day that we’ve no beds to go to. so, conclusion conclusion: he sincerely wanted to see me and whether our connection last semester was seniorweek-induced or was it real.

at the same time, i just can’t believe that he’s attracted to me. why should he? he’s surrounded by gorgeous people all the time, people who like him too (just see his facebook messages). why me?
i had a theory i came up with just now: he basically has clear division between ‘THE family’ and ‘de friendz’ in his reality. and from our conversations, i can tell how much he treasures his family (gawd.. have i told you about the tattoo on his back? it says "family" in chinese) and cares a lot about them. well, according to my stupid theory i’m supposed to be placed in ‘the family’.

yeah.. i know. thinking too highly of myself. it’s not as if he told me he wants to be the father of my kids (unlike what wen told me before).  

honestly i hate feeling like this. one sick puppy. not even sick with love. it’s just a mixture of noxious substances that’s clearly detrimental for my sanity.
i hate figuring out if i should take this one step further or leave this hanging and later on regrets my passivity for the rest of my life. but on the other hand, what do i do with the other person whom i dearly love and care about.

if people are doubting how much i really love my bf, i’m telling you i love him a lot. at least i know for sure i love him 110% when i’m with him. but ask me now if i’m willing to break up with him, and i say, "yeah. sure".
of course it’s not that easy. just yesterday he told me how he’s been changed after his baptism. he told me he loved me more now than ever.

how do i break someone’s heart just like that?
it’s cruel even to just think of it.

what is wrong with me honestly? why do i keep wanting more?
of course wen isn’t perfect. because there’s no such thing as the perfect person. there are many things about him that will continually piss me off but hey, we’ve gotten along well (i reserve the word "really") all these while.

but then someone else comes along, with a totally different set of characters and you wonder if life’s gonna be more beautiful when this other person takes over wen’s place. maybe, maybe not? who knows?

so what do i do now?

i know i shouldn’t but desire trumps rationality, as usual.

i still hate new york subway that reminds me of gutters. travelling through the gutters. just like rats. and the ear-shattering creaks from those rusty tracks. awful.
but yesterday as i sat on one of those old benches by the tracks i was shocked by the steps of a lady, probably in her mid fifties, slowly pacing about the grimy pavements. there’s a sense of juxtaposition between her careful slow steps and the crazy hustle of a nearby tracks. expressway and slow walks. then i wonder if you can actually measure the beat of a city in hertz. and perhaps.. .just perhaps, everyone who lives in the city has his/her own perception of how fast the city really moves. the inner beat you synch with everytime you walk in the city.

i thought that’s interesting. one day when i become one of those crazy PA artists with loads of money i’ll probably do this project. heh.

and this dormant butterfly in my stomach is making me sick.
those butterflies that’re stimulated by  ringtones and ÿou’ve-a-new-sms sound is making me sick. this is not me, this is not selina. stupid stupid stupid nubile girl.

Who would’ve known that the meaning of "I’m busy packing" is "My flight is leaving in 6 hours’ time" ?

Well, I should damn well know, because I am the girlfriend. Who once got scolded for preparing too early for her flight and thus made everyone else around her "kan-cheong". Who once reprimanded him back for his last-minute habit that caused him to forget the beloved charlie brown comics, mouse, and (probably) lose my rayban sunglasses when he packed his dorm room last minute last semester.

I feel so guilty now.
I told him I’d call, but I never did. Because I couldn’t find my usual public phone to call him. The school has decided that it’s not worth the money keeping public phones in school anymore because everyone seems to have their own cellphone. (But me, dammit!).
And now he’s somewhere up there, without my ever wishing him "have a safe flight" and "i love you" and "i wish i were there to kiss you bon voyage".

Owell, at least now he’s flying nearer to me.  

my first car accident, today

DAMMIT!

that bloody tight high street + speeding car stealing my lane + that opportune pole = broken side mirror. and it’s not even my car, it’s ed’s.

SHITE!

i hope it’s not gonna cause me much, because just the mental anguish itself was bad enough to set me on edge. it’s only the first day of school dammit.

honestly, college would be much much more pleasant if we don’t have to do this routine of packing and unpacking, moving in and out like refugees. (or are we?)

plus, my phone is still as kaputt as ever and i’ve gotta go buy a new phone and extend my phone contract. bloody troublesome.
why would anyone want to stay in this country?
i choose not chewing gum and abstain from pot for the convenience of M1, singtel and starhub combined. i choose MRT to liberty dammmit.

sigh. i need some acupuncture from sadie (my new neighbor. she’s a certified TCM practitioner and she just received her acu kit in the mail) to calm down my super-jittery nerve  

he claims that feeling of loss can be easily overcome by rationalizing the whole situation. (it’s just so him, isn’t it?) he also claims that this is the reason why i’m always the one crying like one hungry baby on a wet pampers, while he’s merely laughing at the sight of me and occasionally consoling me with his bear hug – which makes my crying even louder. 

so i’m trying to be rational now.

he says there’s no reason for us to be sad because we’ll still "see" each other. "see" here is taken in its widest context, which comes in the form of talking on the phone, chatting online, sms-ing, exchanging photos, etc.
to him, only a permanent loss (ie. in the case of death) warrants mourning, while the other kind of loss is insignificant.

i don’t think i can be that rational.

first, i need his touch and i need to touch him.
when i say i miss him, i miss him in his entirety. his floppy hair, his face, his body, his voice, everything.

too bad he can’t say the same for me. or perhaps he’s just well trained in witholding his needs (yea right) that waiting until christmas holiday to see me again is no big deal.  

blah.

i’m just sad. the utmost kind of sadness.
i feel uprooted and super lost. back home, i have mom and dad to take care of me. and even though i complain about their spending too much time bothering about me, i’ve to admit that it’s nice to have them around to ask you what you want to eat, bring you out for nice dinner outside, cook whatever food you fancy, show you how much they miss you when you’re abroad.
in singapore, i have sis and wy. although i must admit i don’t see sis much, i know she supports me and i’m convinced that the sisterhood bond will always be there. we covering up each other’s ass. lol. even at times when i’m afraid i’ve treated her house like hotel, i realize it’s just my paranoia. she’s never petty and we’re always able to strike it off no matter how long we haven’t talked to each other.
i miss my sister a lot.

and wy, ...
he is in every chapter of my summer 06. he’s my summer.

oh well, time to see if i can find a bloody phone to call him.