sotto voce

Just got picked up on the highway today. I’m serious. This hot guy in a black Jeep Wrangler kept pulling in front of me and then moved to the left lane and kept his speed so that I could catch up to him. At first I was ignoring it, but after three times of going back and forth in a stupid shuffle-doo that probably pissed off a lot of other drivers, I waved at him. Then he pointed at his blackberry and pointed at me and held his phone to his ear. I knew what he meant but acted stupid. I waved my iPhone at him and sped away. He tailed me and wiggled his blackberry again. So I gave him my ring finger. At first he was shocked—- thinking it was my middle finger. Realizing that my wedding band isn’t quite visible, I held up all my fingers and used my right hand to point at my ring (= zero hand at the steering wheel.). He got it and said something like "aaah…". I blew him a kiss and sped off…

there’s a small chance I won’t be going to school this semester / this year. Looks like I misinterpreted certain info and let’s just say I might have to shell out 60K for this f-in degree. I already have a very generous sponsor (read: my husband) who’s willing to invest his trust fund on me—assuming I’ll be able to make better annual rate of return than what he’s currently getting in the money market…

But yeah. No. It just feels wrong. I feel like I don’t deserve this. That these two years will turn out to be a mistake, a bad investment. And I don’t want to screw us over that way.

I know that the usefulness and profitability of this degree ultimately depend on how well I market it, use it, sell it, etc. Still, I’m just not the most optimistic person on earth right now. I keep telling myself: I didn’t even get a nice, well-paying job after graduating from college. Do I seriously expect the scenario to be different after I graduate from this master’s program?

If only my current self is able to read the first sentence of the previous paragraph and sincerely believes it. Urgh.

We’ll see…

Totally unrelated: I ruined my housemate’s doggie bowl (for his dog) by using it as a container to burn cards and letters from my exes. So drama. For no reason. 

Argggg. I don’t like this self-doubting person I’ve become…

Sleepy but sleepless, because:

1. worried I might have accidentally poisoned him with the wild mushroom I picked with L last week. The mushroom have passed L’s parents’ inspection (who’re mushroom experts by virtue of being Russian), still I doubt their edibility. Am determined to not sleep so I can check his breathing every hour from now until tomorrow morning.

2. trying to find a cheap touring bike. Walking back and forth from the apartment to downtown/campus is just so not feasible once school starts.

3. can’t stop thinking about his family. His dad just got l-off and his mom isn’t terribly happy about the fact that her husband just got l-off and seems to accuse him of being an incompetent twat. It’s worrisome. Not only we’re worried about the monetary aspect of the situation, we’re not used to seeing them being so emotionally distant from each other.

4. am filled with morbid thoughts, in a funny, calming way. We just came back from his uncle’s funeral, who’d been suffering from cancer for a couple of years. For him, it’s probably a respite. But for his loved ones, it’s a tragedy. I suppose dying is just never easy for the ones left behind.  I know eventually I will suffer the same fate—having to watch people close to me leave this world, one by one. But, that’s life.

It’s weird. I still remember the time in college when I didn’t fear death because there wasn’t anything particularly good going on in my life. Nothing to lose, nothing to fear. But, even now, when everything is going so well and I have so many wonderful things I’d hate to leave behind, I still don’t fear death. Although, it’s probably because—as I say—dying is easy, being left behind isn’t.

I’m not worrying. I figure I’ll make the choice when it’s finally time to decide. But my mind warned me that this was the same mistake I made the last time: keeping all the doors open instead of focusing on one.

This time I’m going to make a compromise. I’m keeping only three doors opened:

1. academia. (pro: 3 months holiday per year, cons: stuck teaching bratty undergrads and doing research)

2. physician  (pro: feeling useful every single day, cons: feeling defeated and useless every single day)

3. international healthcare consulting/project manager (pro: traveling opportunity, cons: too much traveling, how am i supposed to settle down)

The manic side of me thinks I should make the three a unity in form of career progression: 3 while I still have the energy/curiosity/drive, then 2 as I part-time it with building a family, and 1 as I retire. Sounds like a good plan??

Not really. My MIL calculated how old I’d be by the time I finish med sch: 40.

Fuck, I do not want to fight with my kids over dirty laundry and unmade bed when I’m fifty-something. But then again, she did it, so why can’t I.

And the normalcy! It makes me slightly nauseous. Am I not supposed to be a creative genius who comes up with groundbreaking **(BLANK)** . yeah Einstein, don’t call yourself a genius until you fill in the blank. But you know that I tried, and I tried, and I tried,... and I’m still trying.

One of her best friends is (was?) one of my best friends in school, but I never really hung out with her. She was abroad when I became close to this common friend of ours. After I started dating Andrew, I found out that he hooked up with her a couple times in junior year. They split after spring break, and she had been hating him ever since. When An and I visited my best friend on campus a couple months ago, she refused to acknowledge An’s presence in the room.

When we confirmed that she was the one gunned down, I attempted to figure out the kind of emotion I needed to feel. I couldn’t take the lead from An – because he felt nothing. She was too brief a fling to ever form any real connection. Honestly, I felt nothing but a morbid curiosity to know what happened. It seemed improper for me to grieve, and at the same time it seemed so insensitive to not feel the tiniest sliver of sadness. She was my friend’s buddy. She was someone I knew. We went to the same school. Aren’t we supposed to share common humanity?

Yet, despite my inability to feel the loss, I haven’t been my normal self since I heard the news. I couldn’t sleep. I’m distracted all the time. I can’t do my work without checking seven news sources simultaneously for the latest news. And the worse thing is: I feel ashamed to tell An that I’m affected by her death. There’s no good reason why I should be affected by her death. I initially thought that the more I learnt about her, the easier it would be for me to grieve and therefore, archive this bit of news as another young life lost to stupid, senseless violence. So I stayed up the whole night reading her old blog, googling her last name, figuring out who her friends and families are, what kind of person she is (beyond the stories that An told me about her). But my fact-finding mission only turned me into a nosy acquaintance who truly didn’t know her when she was still alive and therefore, why would I feel anything now that she’s dead?

"Ngga tau diri… Gue tuh ngga tau diri banget sih!"

I tried explaining to Andrew what "ngga tau diri" means. Insolent? Audacious? Unashamed? I can’t find the right word for it. It’s a phrase that describes someone who doesn’t know his/her place. He sneered at my definition. "Who on earth defines your place in society?"

I’ll tell you who defines your place in society. Money. Moola. Dinero.

We know that you should never spend above your means. So according to that wise adage, poor people like me should not apply to school they can’t afford. I had two full minutes of euphoria before the question of "How am I gonna pay for this shiiiiit????" starts hanging over my head. I’m too late to apply for any kinds of scholarships. I can’t apply for fin-aid because my PR-ship is still in process. I’m fucking screwed. And for the past two days, I feel like an insolent bastard – as we are figuring out how to pay for school. This would be the first time in twelve years that I’ve ever had to pay for school. Living with someone who’s been privileged enough to have his college & trust fund all set up by the time he was fifteen often makes me forget that our circumstances are worlds apart. If not for his encouragement, I would’ve never applied to this school – knowing well I can’t afford it. I’m toying with the idea of rejecting the offer (haha. after all these brouhaha. what irony) because I loathe to have to take a loan (especially in this kind of credit market). 

Why did I even apply to this school? Ngga tau diri banget! What audacity! (Not to be corny: but maybe, ... audacity of hope??).

We think this is a valuable investment. We’ve confirmed that a B.A. from a so-so university is worth shit. Finally I’ve gotten one foot in the door – a door that will open so many other doors for me. 

Meanwhile the memory of the past haunts me. My adolescent self staring at the floor, trying to block out the conversation my mother is having with these relatives – asking them to loan us money to pay for my sister’s medical school. The shame. the shame the shame. No offense to my sister, who’s an excellent doctor and I’m glad she’s thick-skinned enough to go through that and did her medical school. 

While I’m gonna shut the fuck up, stop complaining about my impoverished past (boohoo. get over it already) and get my shit together.

The good news didn’t come as a joyful surprise, more like an unintrusive period at the end of a sentence. I should be happy because my hardwork (what hardwork?) paid off. Despite my lack of experience, I was deemed competent to enter the program. But I’m not "happy". I was sad and upset and angry before this, because I felt like I’ve been denied something that is rightfully mine. Of course that’s such an arrogant statement. What gives me the right to be IN the program? It’s not like I’m special. But I can’t deny that that’s how I feel, that I feel indifferent (instead of ecstatic).

I look at my future classmates – some of whom are going straight from college – and marvel at their abilities to know that this is what they want to do in life. Such conviction coming from people who aren’t even old enough to order drinks. I suppose this is why experience matters. So that you’re able to say "been there, seen & smell the shit, done that—this is what I want". That’s what summer internships are for.

I’m jealous at these people who’re unwavering about what they want to do in life. Who knew from the beginning how to plan their college careers, which internships to score, which classes to take. Meanwhile, I meandered (almost in a circle) about my way only to saunter into this field hoping that this is the one that’ll be able to keep my interest. 

Don’t you want this degree then?

Hell yes, I want it. Because as I see it right now, this is the best route for me to take , just to be able to enter the fucking field. Every other entry-level job in this field requires experience. The ones that don’t are administrative. How many years do I have to waste filing records before I can move up? I did wish I had done internships in public health in college,  but hang on a second …. there IS a reason why the only internships I applied to are either research or investment banks, because they’re the ones that fucking PAY! The non-profits, ... you can just forget about it. They offer college credits. Yeah,.. college credits my ass – like I need more extra college credits (I graduated with seven extra credits = seven classes extra). the ones that pay, offer stipend that I promise you , won’t cover five square foot in the city. Dru always talks about his high-performing cousin who went to Uganda or Tanzania after college to work in a health clinic for a year before going to med school. Ahem..ahem… yes, and I wish I had the money to go to India for a medical mission when someone offered me to go in sophomore year. What’s that? WHO internship. Yes of course I’d like to go, except that – how am I gonna pay for the travel cost and the cost of living in geneva. There’s a reason why I only went back to Indonesia once in my entire college career.

I keep asking myself if I’m making all these excuses up. If I’m the fucking lazy one who’s unable to pick and choose what’s good for herself, and always end up in this kind of dead-end situation. Yes, I realize I did make a mistake in my first two years in college.

Instead of spending my hard-earned money on worthwhile summer internship, I spent it on shuttling back and forth between Middletown and Toronto, vacationing in Vancouver and Vegas, just to please the stupid fucking ex who has kindly left a huge emotional scar on me. 

Instead of planning ahead, I told myself: "It’s liberal arts college. Explore! Explore! Explore!". 

argh. this is tiring. no point mourning what’s past anyway. 

I’ve another week before the end of this purgatory. Until then, I believe I’m going to disappoint everyone around me.

It’s difficult to live when you’re surrounded by this fog of uncertainty. I’m moody, I’m easily pissed off, I’m on edge every minute of the day (to the point that I’m having stiff neck almost every other day). I don’t really want to talk to people/ socialize because I feel like a fucking loser. psth…

Anyway: two unrelated things.

1. Favorite track of the week: Laura Marling "Ghosts". Great voice, great lyrics, interesting chord progression in the middle. And, she’s only nineteen!!

2. Read an article in NYTimes yesterday on FDA lowering age limit for Plan B. Starting now, anyone above the age of 17 can get Plan B (without parents’ approval or prescription (which necessitates doctor’s visit)). What I find interesting from the article is that, until now there’s no data supporting the claim that morning-after pill reduces the number of unplanned pregnancies or the number of abortion. 

 Disclaimer: I haven’t done any fact-checking and am actually using this blog to look for research ideas. Feedbacks are welcome. I do intent to do a more thorough analysis of the data available to back up my claims. And if there’s no data available, even better. That means I (potentially) will have a thesis dissertation.

I have a couple guesses as to why the morning-after pill is seemingly ineffective as a public health measure. Number one: It’s pretty expensive without insurance (I think it’s about 50 bucks in the pharmacy. It’s probably cheaper through Planned Parenthood / school’s dispensary). Currently there are only 25 states that require insurance plans that cover birth control, including emergency contraception (EC). Out of these 25 states, several states exclude EC from the requirement. Also, note that it says insurance plans, not providers. That means, the insurance company might have insurance plans that cover birth controls, but these plans are more expensive than the basic ones. That means, if you have a basic insurance policy or if your insurance is employment-based, there’s a chance that your insurance plan only covers the most basic of birth control or none at all. Furthermore, I won’t be surprised if the same segment of the population who can’t afford health insurance is the same segment that contributes the most to the unplanned pregnancies numbers.

Number two: lack of understanding about emergency contraception.
With the federally-funded, abstinence-only sex education, you can bet your bottom dollar there’s no mention of EC (fun-fact: US$3.6 billion allocated for this f* program. Guess how many condoms that much money can buy…). But, even in sex-ed classes that teaches contraception, EC is often not mentioned, because there’s a widespread misconception that equates EC to RU-486 (which is the so-called ‘abortion pill’). And if someone happens to wander here while looking for the answer: NO, Plan-B is not considered an abortifacient because it acts before the implantation.

Anyway, if we’re really intent on cutting the number of unplanned pregnancies in this country, here’s an idea: make birth-control more easily accessible to women—- by making some of them over-the-counter and by making them cheaper! But that’s for another entry.

Till then, remember that abstinence-only education does not work. 

Just had a root canal on one of my molars and half of my face is numb. it feels like i have a secret pouch on my left cheek where i store grains and what-nots.

I love my dentist. He’s so metrosexual and funny. While we’re waiting for the novocaine to work, he showed me the pair of shoes he just ordered online and showed me another pair (ladies’ style) that he thought he should buy for his wife. I would’ve thought he’s gay if not for the second part of my previous sentence. As he began to drill on my tooth, he asked if I was alright. I wanted to give a thumbs-up, but my thumb got caught under the bib, and it looked like I had a mini-erection. My dentist said, "Well, at least I know you’re a girl—if not I would’ve thought you’re thinking naughty thoughts". I wanted to laugh so badly but it’s hard to when half of your face is completely numb and your mouth was stretched open with a pair of metal extender.

Another reason why I love him is because he doesn’t make me feel like a sinner. You know how your dentist/hygienist always makes you feel bad for not brushing religiously/ not flossing / eating too much sweets. Well, my current dentist told me that my pathetic teeth are "okay" and that I’m allowed that one rotten molar. 

It’s seriously been a really long time since I visited a dentist (7-8 years ago). Gosh, it’s fucking expensive – even with insurance. I’m spending 1000 bucks for the root canal+filling+crown. And there goes my spending limit for the whole fucking year. So I’ve got to wait 6 months before dealing with all my wisdom teeth that are so freaking wise they all decided to grow sideways.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have more painkillers to take… 

All’s well – albeit being on the slow side.

I quit my job last week. It was liberating and stressful at the same time. It’s awesome to not have the commute anymore and to be able to set my own schedule (very important if you’re slightly ADD like me), but the change of pace feels very very weird. Granted that I never worked the full 8 hours at work anyway, it’s weird to be able to do your work in bed and blast the room with my fave work music.

Last week I also found out my grad sch status. I got rejected from the em-bee-ay program (expected), which made me feel depressed for two full days. We were expecting that result because 1)I don’t have enough work experience and 2) I applied for financial aid. In light of the recession and crashing endowment, the school has decided to prioritize full-paying students. Also, they’re not particularly interested in a B.A. with one year of irrelevant work experience. For noobs like me, they have a special program that accepts application from college seniors. So pretty much I’m in that purgatory zone where I’m too old for the special program and too young for the normal program. Oh well… Disappointed but also glad I don’t have to figure out how to find $140K to pay for school.

Two days after the rejection letter, I decided to call the admissions office for the public health program I applied to. I was told that there’s no decision on my file – which was very strange. After a couple of nerve-wrecking hours, the director of admissions called and told me I’m waitlisted. I nearly cried. She told me that I’m a very strong candidate with good scores, good academic records, excellent recommendation, and she’s convinced I’ll do well in the program, BUT… she can’t justify straight acceptance because I lack the experience in the field. That’s why she’s putting off making a decision on my file, because it’s "very tricky".

Very tricky my ass. WTF! I read all these grad sch forums and see people with much lower scores than mine and less than 1 yr experience getting into all the top programs (my program included). WTFH?

Anyway, i don’t have the energy to be angry anymore. I’m just disappointed because I expect these smart people to know that even though i don’t have a direct experience in the field, my work ethics and my recommendations speak volumes to my ability to do well in any fucking fields. I’ve chosen to switch to this field because I want to make a difference and I’ve extensively spoken about my motivation in my essays. But, fuck my heartfelt 1000-words essay. Experience is the currency in this game of admissions and I have none.

Of course, the fact that I only applied to one school doesn’t help either. Ngeh… whatever… Right now I’m just keeping my fingers crossed and hope for the best.

But yeah, last week was extremely trying. Scratch that… the past eight months after graduation have been very very trying. And I’m speaking not just for myself, but for my fellow ‘08. After being sheltered in the ivory tower for four years, we’re set free in the real world only to discover the crushing truth that our $160K B.A. worth shit. I know I haven’t been the model student, but I did respectably. In fact, very well in some aspects. Yet, I’m reduced to a brainless monkey who does shitwork.

We watched Adventureland last night and empathized fully with the main character who couldn’t get a decent job out of college and had to work a menial, mindless one in an amusement park. There was one scene when he was on the phone telling his prospective employer that he had "never driven an ashphalt mixer per se. But did once drive my friend’s van to Wisconsin on a pretty lengthy road trip." The person on the other line hung up on him. I’m not sure which parts of the sentence offended the prospective employer more: "per se" or "road trip". When James (the main character) bemoaned : "What am I supposed to do. I’m not even qualified to do manual labor," I want to get up from my chair and scream: "I feel you, man!!"

I don’t think that my life right now is as good as it gets. I think there’s still a lot ahead of me and as much as I’d like to give up and be happy with mediocrity (manage expectation thus prevent future disappointment), I’m just not wired that way. So yeah, I’m still climbing to the top but I do expect to fall plenty of times.

What do you do on the day when you finally realize that you’ll never achieve greatness and it’s time to make peace with mediocrity?

After college, I found little need to socialize/party/make new friends. I bet I can count with one hand how many new friends I’ve made since I graduated from college. OK, maybe not one hand, maybe two hands and half of a foot.

Still, I have very little motivation to drag myself out of my cozy bed to hang out on Fri/Sat nights. Having a confirmed lay makes alcohol a moot point and have you read this article?  Err… you know what shade of red I turn into after a sip of wine. So yeah… no alcohol for me, thank you very much.

Since alcohol is the cornerstone of many social gatherings, we only attend one out of every 4 parties we’re invited to. We figure that the best solution to not drink / waste money / have a hangover in the morning / waste my precious sleep time is to stay in, especially because it’s weird being the only one sober in the group and I can’t walk away from good beer on the tap.

However, the unfortunate, but obvious result of this self-imposed prohibition is a rusty social skills. I’m no longer able to think of witty comments in a milisecond and nowadays, I tend to let people’s banters flew by. I am definitely aware of this pathetic decline and the self awareness just makes me even more awkward. It becomes obvious that I’m trying too hard to not be awkward, which makes everything even more awkward. I guess I could just drink to remove the awkwardness and to prevent any recollections of whatever awkward moments I had, but I just can’t get rid of the throat cancer image from my head. I’d rather be awkward now than be awkward later due to throat cancer…

I can also go the other way and say "fuck this", I don’t need any of this stupid shit. But, for the purpose of my oh-so-brilliant future, I do need these social connections. I am not brilliant enough to be the anti-social genius who’s being sought by everyone despite hier amazing lack of social grace. Yep. Tried that whole misantrophe thing and… didn’t quite work out for me.

So here I am, trying to fit while ignoring the noisy creaks of my rusty social moves.

It’s weird how I can get so attached to something that I’ve never seen before. But from the moment I read the ads and spoke to the owner, I knew that this car is perfect. It’s in our price range, low mileage, earns great reviews on edmunds, and get this… was his dream car when he was a teenager. We were so excited about it, I already wrote a check for the full amount, set up appointment with a mechanic to look at it, and I even prepared the contract / bill of sale. That’s how sure I was that this is the car…

Alas, fifteen minutes before we were supposed to see the car, the owner emailed me and told me someone else had beaten us to the chase. She really wanted to show it to us, but she also wanted it sold and she wasn’t the type to get us to do a bidding war.

And now I’m just brokenhearted and am unable to think about another car. Everything else pales in comparison to this baby, which I have never seen. Maybe that’s why it looks so good in my head, because I never had the chance to see all its blemishes, rust and dents. Fantasy is always better than reality, right?

Oh well… 

I watched an episode of The Office last night where the Scranton branch was about to be absorbed by the Stamford branch. I felt lucky for never experiencing the prospect of being laid off. That’s one of the many reasons why I snapped the job offer from this company without looking around – I was told by the president that he kept the company under full employment capacity, so that during a downturn he didn’t have to lay off anyone. As dry as the season was, they kept people around with random jobs and assignments. 

Lo and behold, this morning I came in to work today only to hear that our largest client has axed the million dollars project that’s been sustaining the department for the past three months. The client can’t even tell us if it’s going to be continued in the future or if the thousand of hours we’ve spent analyzing the goddamn North Atlantic seafloor are going down the chutes. The project manager for this job told me that in his twenty years working for this company, he’s never experienced anything like this before, where there’s completely NO JOBs we can bill our hours to. Meanwhile, my boss keeps asking me daily if I’ve heard anything from the grad school I applied to. My guess is that he’s happy to have me leave for grad school. That way he can cut back expenses without actually having to fire anyone. 

And I’m still twiddling my thumbs waiting for my acceptance/rejection letter, while worrying that I’m going to be laid off tomorrow. And when the pink slip actually comes, which character of The Office will I be? Pam, who saw the lay-off as an opportunity for her to go to the art school? Ryan, who’s optimistic that he’d be able to move on to something better? Michael, who was understandably devastated as his life’s work disintegrated before him?

Well, I must say I’m slightly optimistic. I have my photography / graphic design skills I can capitalize on. I also have one supportive (mentally and financially) husband. 

But yeah, seems like this recession shit (which hitherto has only been a topic of conversation at dinner table) has arrived at our doorstep. C’est la vie.

In the midst of last night’s reading session, I googled this : "Why does the GOP hate spending so much?"

It’s more out of exasperation than any motives to find the real answer (No, I didn’t find any substantial answer to that question). Now, I don’t really agree with all the earmarks squeezed into the stimulus package by the Dems either, but for goodness’ sake, stop saying that the way out of this crisis is through tax cuts and that everything else other than tax cuts is bogus. Grahhh…

So this is what I want from the stimulus package:
- tax rebates in form of  reduced witholding payments in the payroll tax. For better explanation of why this is a good idea, read this.
- job creation through construction / improvement of public infrastructure (READ: Fix your broken public transit system a.k.a Don’t build more unnecessary roads)
- renegotiation of home loans and reduced mortgage interest, give tax incentives to first-time home buyers
- sales tax holiday once every month

I’m okay with the Republicans picking fights with the Dems over unnecessary spending. There are a lot of, IMHO, earmarks that shouldn’t be there. I hate whichever Dems who treated this opportunity as the first time in a very long time where they can throw in whatever pet projects they have. It’s like you’ve been in a restricted diet camp for eight years and suddenly you’re free and you start frequenting every fast food restaurants you encounter. Still, the Republicans should stop treating this bill as a political game. But, who am I to say this. It’s politics after all, of course they’re going to do this silly, childish bickering… 
I personally don’t believe in an economic principle that’s based on one’s political ideology. And it’s back to my first question: why does GOP hate spending? why does the dems lurveee spending? why does GOP lurves tax cuts? etc etc etc
Now is not the time to be a stickler with ideologies, just do whatever works! I call that economic pragmatism.

And what’s with Phelps suspension and his being dropped as a sponsor by Kellogg’s?? For fuck’s sake… can someone (ie. the non-existent secretary of HHS) please stop this whole stupid bullshit about marijuana. Almost half of the population have smoked marijuana at least once and do you know US has higher percentage of pot smokers than the Netherlands (where it’s fucking legal)? What does this mean? Making marijuana consumption a criminal offense DOES NOT WORK. I repeat, people will still smoke pot whether it’s legal or not. Instead of wasting taxpayers money on this stupid war on drugs, why not just legalize it and tax all the pot dealers who’re making millions of dollars per year? 
I doubt that was the first time Phelps smoked pot and if so, why are these stupid hypocrites making such a riot over a substance which apparently doesn’t stop you from being a 14-gold medals Olympian. 

I’d just like to say that while I can understand why Thain gave those bonuses out, they shouldn’t come out of taxpayers’ money. So yes, shame on you, Thain…
Actually, I don’t know how to feel about the mass vilification of Wall Street. On one hand, I’m appalled by the obscene amount of bonuses people in finance get. But on the other hand, wealth creates wealth. Image of success and wealth creates confidence, which inspire investors to invest and pile their money, so that more investors follow suit etc etc. In the absence of confidence (such as now), this global capitalist system just does not work.
Still, ... I’ve read in the NYTimes couple years ago that the top hedge fund managers earn about a billion dollar of earning per year. WTF. And given their 2 + 20 commision structure, they don’t even have to be that good – they just have to have super loaded clients and a lot of guts. WTF, again.
Meanwhile, imagine the number of smart people who will choose to go into more worthwhile causes if only they do not get lured by the promise of wealth offered by Wall Street. I’ve personally known two PhD candidates who dropped out of Ivies to go into banking. For all we know, they could’ve invented the cure to AIDS or the next biofuel. And, btw, they’re not anecdotes, they’re the story of my generation. Hordes of top colleges graduates line up for spots at investment banks and consulting firms because they’re the ones who’ll provide the high salaries and awesome benefits – not research labs. 

The trend is changing, it seems. Not only do the remaining true-blue i-banks (JPM and GS) hire less people, the youngins’ are also deterred by the job insecurity Wall Street embodies. Hopefully that inspires more brilliant people to choose the ‘other’ path and say NO to being excel monkeys. 

Just watched Jon Stewart’s tirade against John Thain. I agree that Thain’s 1.22 million office-decorating fee is a little wee bit on the excessive side (understatement of the year), but I disagree with Stewart’s opinion on bonuses.

It’s true that a lot of average Americans (yours truly and her spouse included) get no bonuses this year. But, unfortunately, we’re little minions with no real skills / contribution to our respective company. In other words, we’re pretty much replaceable by the next qualified joe on the street. On the other hand, those people whom Thain gave bonuses too – I suspect – are key players in the company who might be able to get ML back on its feet. Remember that actually there are certain parts / sectors in ML that made profits in 2008, even though too small to cover up the huge loss it made in the mortgage mess. The smart people in this sector are sure to want to jump ship and work for, say, GS or JPM or the numerous hedge funds out there, because they don’t want the risk of getting pink slips in the future. So, I suspect that Thain was trying to prevent the inevitable brain drain from happening by "bribing" these top players with bonuses.

However, he forgot to consider the "let’s hate on those greedy Wall Street bankers" mood that currently prevails. The public demands Wall Street to tighten its belt and share the pain/suffering with everyone else. That’s just naive and Wall Street will still be its own world with its own rules and reality.

What can you say? shrug shoulders

Is it wrong to do a bootyshake when:

Your partner is hanging out with the bros and you overheard him saying:

"Oh yeah, I met with xxx (old high school friend) the other night. She used to be such a bitch to me. Now I get to laugh at her coz my wife is so much hotter than she is."

Right. I don’t think it’s wrong either. 

It takes a while for each of us to learn about the other’s medical history. During the Christmas break, I was surprised to learn from his mother that he had to have a polyp removed from his nose when he was a teenager. In the nose? What?!! Oh, and she asked me to check on his nose occasionally, to make sure the polyp doesn’t come back. Geez, thanks a lot.

And yesterday, he asked me to feel the stitches in his tongue, which he got when he bit his own tongue in two (!!) during a wrestling practice years ago. "Feel the stitches??" he asked. Where, where,... oh my god, shit, I can feel it. Yuck, it’s gross...!!  He laughed while grinning proudly, as if that stupid stitches were battle of scars.

He’s slowly learning mine too… The absolutely terrifying hives I get when exposed to cold, the regular paps I had to have to make sure it doesn’t come back,  the tonsillitis that often makes me a royal bitch in pain,...

I used to think that it’s more practical for husband and wife-to-be to exchange their medical history files right off the bat. No sudden discoveries or surprises. Well, I still think that way and I was supposed to get our medical files from our previous doctors and gave them to our current primary care physician – except that 1. I’m lazy; 2. My files only dated back to 2004, before that my mom was my doc and she definitely didn’t keep a file.

I’m pretty sure one of these days I’m gonna feed him something that he’s allergic to and we’ll have a fun time going to the ER. =)

One application done. Another one to go.

Stress level = maximum

I believe I submitted it 9 minutes before it was closed. Sibeh close. When I told my friend about it, he commented: "Just like how you pulled it off in college, huh?"

Oh well, old habits die hard. I hope it all goes well, although I’ve already thought of the $200 as a money wasted. Well, not really wasted, it’s well-spent on kicking my flobby ass. 

I didn’t go to work today thinking there will be a snowstorm and there’s no way I want to be stranded at work on a Friday afternoon. So I told my boss, I’m gonna go to the doctor and to get my contacts prescription and to do all the other things I want to do this week but couldn’t because he dropped a shitload of last-minute work on my lap.

It’s 11am and where’s the snow? Nowhere to be seen.
Thanks weather forecast. You’ve officially made me feel guilty.

If money and space weren’t a concern, I’d shoot in film and develop the pictures myself. Even if it means most of my shirts will get chemical stains on it and my fingernails would smell of ammonia hours after I got out of the darkroom.

There’s something about those silver crystals that just can’t be reproduced digitally. Maybe I’m just a romantic. 

The news of our marriage is shocking—there’s now way to deny that. We’ve known each other for less than a year, lived together for less than six months. Meanwhile, some couples wait three, six, seven, ten years and end up not tying the knot.

I imagine a lot of my friends saying: How can you guys be so daring, so brazen, so carefree? Don’t you know the implication of your action this time?? This is not a game you’re playing. It has consequences!! 

Some of them expressed all their disbelief (and awe) in one word expletive. Some were convinced I was pulling a hood over everyone’s head. Some screamed. One sarcastically (or maybe not) commented: Haha… now you don’t have to worry about visa.

Of course, coincidentally this someone also happens to be the one who used his commitment-phobia excuse to screw me and then dump me.

Does he think I’m doing this just for the convenience of a green card? Does he think I’m merely using Andrew? Whatever. I don’t give much hoot about that toot anymore anyway. But, I’m pretty sure he’s not the only who’s thinking along that line. He just happens to be pretty insensitive and doesn’t see anything wrong with that comment. 

I don’t feel like I/we have to defend ourselves for what we did. We didn’t do anything wrong. We love each other, we’ve been living together long enough and been through some pretty ridiculous shit to know that we are each other’s partner in life.
(Funny how the word "life partner" suddenly becomes a perfect description)
We’re both in this relationship for the long haul. No, I can’t imagine having a better husband. Yes, we got married earlier than when we thought we would. No, we don’t regret it. Yes, the paper turns out to be amazingly useful in solving my insurance and immigration problem. 
But, duh, of course being married has its advantages (legal and otherwise). If not, what’s the incentive for two people who’re perfectly rational and are committed to each other to allow the state to enter their private relationship? Legal protection when things go wrong? Well, see, I don’t have that much money/asset to protect and am not interested in his either.

—-

Occasionally doubt does creep in and doubt creates fear that we might have been too rash. 
Then I remember that twilight moment every morning when I wake up, when he would look at me with his sleepy eyes and say, "hey you". And at that moment, I’m just glad I marry someone I love.

I wonder if other people are as quick to jealousy as I am. When I told my colleagues about where I’m planning to apply and what I plan to do in life, I wonder if they look around them and wish they had done things differently.

Maybe not. Maybe some folks are just happy where they are with whatever they have.  

I’m getting more and more depressed by the fact that I still haven’t written anything meaningful for my personal statement. Why is it so hard???
Well, let me tell you why it’s hard.

Because I lack direction. Because my resume is all over the place and I don’t know how to convince the admission committee that this will be the last time I switch gears because I’ve finally found my calling.
You know what… I probably can’t promise them that. I don’t know if in five – ten years I realize I don’t want to be an international humanitarian worker and want to work in a farm instead. How am I supposed to know?

All I know is that, I know I want this now. I know I want to stop feeling as if I’m only freeriding in this world and not doing anything. Wislawa Szymborska’s word kept coming back to me: "I’m working on the world, // revised, improved edition,"
But I’m not working on the world.
All I do is sit quietly behind my desk and process sonar data until our clients are satisfied with the reports I churned out as long as it’s precise to the nearest feet.
No, I will not continue doing this work when I know I could be doing much more good out there, saving lives, helping people, for goodness sake – doing something.

I’m ready. I have what it takes to be a leader. I want the knowledge. I want the power and the respect and the responsibility and the opportunity to prove that I can do something good.

Now, how do I put all these in a coherent essay?

I’ve been meaning to write for a while. But my perfectionist side has reigned supreme these couple of months. None of the drafts ever made it to the publishing stage.

In 500 words or less: Life’s been a whirlwind of work, travel, grad school application, and physical therapy. My hip is hurting less and less by the day (good news) and that means no more excuse for this pathetic sedentary lifestyle (another good news).

Also, ... we’re setting a date for the big day. Being young, liberal and practical, we see marriage as a multi-part process. We’ve gone to the courthouse and completed all the paperwork (which means that we’re legally m-) but saving the real wedding for next year when the weather is warmer.  
I never expected to marry this early, of course, but there are a lot of practical reasons for us to do this now. To put it in his words (when his mom demanded an explanation): it bought us a peace of mind. And I can tell you that nothing has changed between the time we signed the papers and now, so I don’t really see a big fuss over it. Besides, we don’t see marriage as the point where we commence babies production. In fact, factory will not start any kinds of production until our net income reaches $300K p.a.
Have I mentioned that we’re both practical people?

It’s actually the wedding planning that gives me occasional panic attack. Where, who, when, how.. etc etc. 
As usual I’m procrastinating. All I can tell you is that it’ll be small, outdoor, and expect good food. I’d love to cater for my own wedding but I know it’s impossible. I guess I can pass some of my original recipes to the catering chef. That’s an idea.

However, all the planning is sitting in the backburner until I actually submit all my grad school applications.  I don’t expect you to know which field I’m doing a master in, because – once again – it’s nowhere near my field of expertise in college. Keep the shaking heads and wagging fingers because there are a long line of folks who wish to do the same. Heh.

I’ve been thinking a lot about starting a new blog and it seems appropriate to close this blog. I’m embarking on a new chapter of my life, which is markedly different from the previous one. Not to worry, I’m not gonna start a knitting/cooking/husband-training blog. There’ll probably posts along those lines in the new blog, but I’ll try to write more on social justice issues. Andrew has expressed his interest in co-authoring the blog. We’ll see. 

Until then,

Yours. 

"Closure is a myth.  Things just fade."

Andrew’s dad